me and april 15. 2014

i wonder if it is possible that as my nightmares get worse and more frequent, they are actually damaging my brain – poking it with little sharp sticks, or burning those horrible images and five-second film clips into the surface and slowly taking my memory away from me. i wonder if they took a photograph if they would be able to see the scabs and scars and bruises and medical bandages that are old and peeling off because of the years and the moisture.

is this just the next step in the process?

maybe this is  finally a sympathy symptom and after so many years of inner aggravation and bullshit hurting  i’m now on a path that ends when every last bit of remembering has evaporated and all of the good and bad have joined together to disappear in the clouds.

can i really expect a mind like mine to endure all of what has happened – and what continues to happen on a daily basis – and not eventually destroy itself because what the fuck else is it supposed to do in this condition?

whatever is going on, it does bother me.

 

i missed my appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday because i wrote the wrong damn date down.

i put in a call to the office, and hopefully he will call me back this evening.

i need to let him know everything that has gone on. i need to find out what we are going to do with my medications. i need to know what my next step is. i need to know if i should take this job loss as an opportunity to concentrate on myself and trying to get more stable. i need help. i need somebody to show me what i should be doing.

i still eat. i still brush my teeth and shower every day. i still answer my phone and talk to people. i’m still sober.

but i am still scared. and i am still hiding.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/04/15.

6 Responses to “me and april 15. 2014”

  1. ❤ ❤ ❤

  2. concentrating on yourself sounds like an excellent idea. you deserve it. and congrats on continuing to take care of yourself, it can be a challenge sometimes. *hug*

  3. I think you are one of the strongest people I know Sean. Did you ever do that thing where you try to dream about something in particular by thinking about it as you fall asleep? It has actually worked for me on occasion. xo

    • i actually try to do that every night. you’re right, sometimes it works, and when it does it is amazing. dreams are crazy – especially when a crazy person is having them. 😉

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