me and april 05. 2014

what to wake up to?

i feel empty right now. it’s a saturday morning.

i just want to cry or shiver or scream but i don’t really know how to react.

i know it will get better over time, but for now, while the wound is still so bloody and raw, and i cannot ignore it –

 

one of the things i have heard in my support group for the past year and a half is how incredible it is that i am able to keep a job and do fairly well at it.

now that is gone, and i am one step closer to what?

complete fucking breakdown? sad mornings where i find myself stuck in bed or drooling on the couch watching my reflection in the television that i cannot find the life to even turn on.

 

i’m just really sad right now and have no idea what i am going to do.

go back to school? try and concentrate on my writing and hope somebody wants to pay me a lot of money to write all day?  move away to a place where nobody knows me and try and start over? give up and accept that this is just another way the universe is telling me that it all needs to end soon?

i’ll find out.

keep going for now. one breath at a time. reassure myself.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/04/05.

5 Responses to “me and april 05. 2014”

  1. I know it isn’t easy, but maybe you can see something positive in losing your job, in that it’s an opportunity to try something new. While you were comfortable there and liked your coworkers, perhaps the routine of working there intermingled with the other negative things in your life, so breaking out of that cycle could be a good thing; it could’ve been a crutch for you (“At least I still have my job.”), and now without the crutch you can challenge yourself and change things that you didn’t even realize needed changing. ❤

  2. Ugh, I’m so sorry this fucking happened to you, man. Just try to remember that it is a thing that sucks and nothing else. Let it hurt, it’s normal to hurt, but it doesn’t have
    to signify something greater. People lose their jobs, and it sucks. And despite all the silver lining stuff (which is all true, but still), it sucks every time. Yeah, it’s probably a blessing in disguise and all that, but right now it sucks and that’s okay.

    You’ll miss seeing your co-workers every day, but you’ll be surprised at how they remain in your life. You’ve met a lot of friends through your job and you’ll be surprised at how close they’ll remain. Some won’t though, and that’s okay. You know this already, but sometimes it helps to hear it again maybe.

    Losing this job was a kick to the nuts, I know. And no, I don’t know how much more you can be expected to put up with. You put up with a lot. More than most people I know. I’m not an expert or anything, just another ant in the antpile.

    But people adapt. They evolve. Yes, even you. You don’t feel like you do, it happens when you aren’t looking. I can’t tell you how many times I thought “that’s it, it’s all over” because how could it not be?! But then I find myself making new friends in a different place, talking to the old ones as though nothing had changed. It’s bad for a while, and then you look around one day and you’re like “oh wow, not everything is horse shit”. And then it’s bad for another reason and then it’s good for another reason. It’s that middle part; that’s the worst.

    I don’t go through anything as severe as the things you go through on a daily basis. I don’t. I’ve had my fair share of fucked up episodes, though. People who have never had anything that resembles a mental breakdown can’t understand the severity in the moment, or how long those moments last. They can be a cold fucking eternity if we let them. The powerlessness is the worst, it’s hell. And I know I don’t know the half of it. I can’t possibly know how bad it really gets. But I’ve had a small taste, and it’s at least given me a sense of fucking empathy.

    I recognize that I’m probably rehashing a bunch of shit that you’re tired of hearing. But we’re here for you. We really are. If nothing else, you are not alone. We hear you. We see you. And I want you to know that everything is okay, even when it isn’t okay.

    You lost your job. I don’t want you to think I’m trivializing that because I understand how fucked up it feels to have that kind of stability taken from you. But something else will happen. That thing might be bad, and it might be good. But then other things happen also. At the very least, those things might be interesting.

    I believe in you, though. There isn’t anything you can do to stop me, either. Just don’t stop writing. Writing, drawing, painting, singing, sculpting. Don’t stop. It is the opposite of despair.

  3. You will come out of this stronger. You are a fighter, you are showing that right now. I agree with Danielle, don’t ever stop writing it is not only your lifeline but a huge support to others. And your talent knows no bounds! Screw the damn tv anyways, and its mind numbing crap. Hugs…xo

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