alltheavenueslookugly

i am back in the psych hospital – somewhere.

everything is soaking wet and i am limp and being held up by strings like a marionette with a rude sketch of a smile on my face. i can hear the screams from the other rooms – everyone is excited by the hallucinations – and it might be snack time with graham crackers and chocolate milk or a shitty soggy sandwich and apple juice. we are all here together. you are here with me. i’m swallowing help and my tongue is dry and i can scrap it against the roof of my mouth and taste blood and lithium residue.

i need to be touched. i need to be acknowledged and hugged like a child.

the scars have taken over my arms – beautiful white slashes between my tattoos and i would never be able to remember where all of them are. i know i am covered inside and out.

i’m holding my breath and my heart all at once – breathe out slowly. feel my face fall.

is somebody playing a guitar?

maybe.

it’s 6:00 p.m. and i am in bed, swimming through another evening and holding in the urge to vomit. i can’t see straight. all my words are different combinations of vowels and moans and there is nobody to help me through this. it’s just the way things happen.

the room is cold. my ears are the first thing to freeze.

i would try praying if i believed in nonsense. but i need to save my energy for fighting through another spell of nightmares that i can already feel and see outlines forming. someday i know i will sleep for good and they will hang me from the living room coat rack  while they try very hard not to cry.

it’s easy. really.

i am lonely with nobody to pull my strings and make me jump and twirl and walk clumsy through the hallways.

my smile is melting off and mixing colors with the freckles on my cheeks.

i am stumbling and calling for anybody.

with your help i might be able to fly or jump high enough to leave it all behind.

i’m not worried about oxygen or imploding.

maybe i will find a balloon that i can hold on to – or at least stare at while i remember you while i am inside the clouds tasting helium and dodging airplanes and distracted birds.

it’s evaporating in the middle of a celebration.

i’ll take notes and let you know how wonderful it can be.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/04/03.

Posted in april14
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, drugs, guilt, isolation, love, mental illness, nightmares, posts about suicide, psychiatric hospital, self harm