alltheavenueslookugly

it’s becoming obvious that i cannot fake through this as well as i used to. i try so hard – cementing a smile on my face and hiding the frowns and cries that rest on the edge of my lips. these past two weeks have been absolute shit.

i started the latuda – following all instructions. i made it through a few days before the hell came back.

i can’t piece together too much – and i’ve lost most of the last few days. no alcohol involved,  and had it been i probably would be dead now.

it must have been a reaction to the new medication –

i went through a short period where i was living awake in my dreams. i was beginning conversations in my sleep and continuing them as i woke up a million times during the evening. the nightmares are growing into stories that i can’t escape from – even by waking up. i couldn’t concentrate on any certain thing, and when i tried to speak i found myself not remembering how to speak. i was blacking out and losing track of what the day was.

wednesday morning i woke up on my couch. my apartment was trashed and there was vomit in my kitchen and bathroom sinks.  i went downstairs to have a cigarette and noticed that my car window was mostly lowered and when i went to look inside i saw that i had left the keys in the ignition.  i came back upstairs and noticed my wallet was gone. i was dizzy. i went through my phone to make sure i hadn’t called anybody. i hadn’t. i’ve also noticed my short term memory has absolutely gone to shit.

everything was creepy.

i’m still worried and afraid.

i’m afraid to sleep.

i called my psychiatrist and later that night he left me a message that said i should decrease the medication and if that didn’t work to stop it until we could try something better. he and i are playing a good old fashioned game of ‘phone tag.’ i have noticed that now i have sporadic tics and my vision is slightly blurred as times. i don’t know how much of this is caused by the latuda, but it had not happened before i started it.

i’m so goddamn frustrated and scared and fucking sick. it’s becoming so hard for me to balance everything in my life that i need to keep in line. i still worry every moment of the day. about every single thing. i know it is all going to blow up in my face eventually, and i am trying my best – for myself and for everyone else. i am tired of letting people down. i am tired of not knowing how to fix this.

i just want to feel okay for one goddamn day.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/03/27.

Posted in march14
Tags: alcohol, apologies, bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, insomnia, isolation, mental illness, sleep, vomit