me and march 27. 2014 – LATUDA

it’s becoming obvious that i cannot fake through this as well as i used to. i try so hard – cementing a smile on my face and hiding the frowns and cries that rest on the edge of my lips. these past two weeks have been absolute shit.

i started the latuda – following all instructions. i made it through a few days before the hell came back.

i can’t piece together too much – and i’ve lost most of the last few days. no alcohol involved,  and had it been i probably would be dead now.

it must have been a reaction to the new medication –

i went through a short period where i was living awake in my dreams. i was beginning conversations in my sleep and continuing them as i woke up a million times during the evening. the nightmares are growing into stories that i can’t escape from – even by waking up. i couldn’t concentrate on any certain thing, and when i tried to speak i found myself not remembering how to speak. i was blacking out and losing track of what the day was.

wednesday morning i woke up on my couch. my apartment was trashed and there was vomit in my kitchen and bathroom sinks.  i went downstairs to have a cigarette and noticed that my car window was mostly lowered and when i went to look inside i saw that i had left the keys in the ignition.  i came back upstairs and noticed my wallet was gone. i was dizzy. i went through my phone to make sure i hadn’t called anybody. i hadn’t. i’ve also noticed my short term memory has absolutely gone to shit.

everything was creepy.

i’m still worried and afraid.

i’m afraid to sleep.

i called my psychiatrist and later that night he left me a message that said i should decrease the medication and if that didn’t work to stop it until we could try something better. he and i are playing a good old fashioned game of ‘phone tag.’ i have noticed that now i have sporadic tics and my vision is slightly blurred as times. i don’t know how much of this is caused by the latuda, but it had not happened before i started it.

i’m so goddamn frustrated and scared and fucking sick. it’s becoming so hard for me to balance everything in my life that i need to keep in line. i still worry every moment of the day. about every single thing. i know it is all going to blow up in my face eventually, and i am trying my best – for myself and for everyone else. i am tired of letting people down. i am tired of not knowing how to fix this.

i just want to feel okay for one goddamn day.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/03/27.

8 Responses to “me and march 27. 2014 – LATUDA”

  1. Yuck. Just yuck my friend. Oh how I long for one ‘day off’ of mental health and all that it involves too. Sending you much support. X

    • just one day off. it would be incredible. i’m not greedy. 🙂
      thank you, friend. i’m here for you too. 🙂

      • Thx 😉 oh I am not greedy at all either. I’ve learned not to ask for a lot because even little things hardly ever happen. Like a couple of hours of time out!

        But on we go.

  2. It sucks so hard that you cannot find any relief. The meds suck and the illness suck, which make everything else suck even more! I’m here supporting you. xo

    • everything sucks about this. it’s so frustrating when the things that are supposed to be helping me are holding me back and destroying my body. i’m just going to have to keep moving on until i find a place that is somewhat comfortable.

  3. Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear this. You don’t deserve this shit. It sounds like the medication is causing you so much difficulty. have they talked about the possibility of taking less medication? it might be hard at first, but in the long run it is worth it to not have all the side effects and scary things you’re going through. wishing you the best. keep fighting for the best treatment x

    • the meds have always been a big problem for me. i can either take something that will end up making things worse, or i can not be on any meds and potentially be worse than that. i just don’t know anymore. my new doc is going to wean me off some of the other ones i was taking, but we are going to have to deal with me getting off this latuda.

      we’ll see what happens. thank you again. 🙂

  4. You are not letting anyone down,,,yourself is all that matters right now

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