me and march 20. 2014

smile. happy? fucking happy. what?

i feel like i am just wandering around and occasionally picking the smiles out of my pockets – the ones i have saved as souvenirs of those moments over the years when things might make sense and they are gone now, washed out into the ocean where they will tread water until they drown.

since i left the clinic a couple of weeks ago my therapist has been calling me at least once a day – leaving messages that i immediately delete without listening to them and has sent me a text message to ask for information on how i am doing. i think he is worried. i think the clinic is worried. good. i hope they worry. i hope they imagine that in my medication delirium that i hung myself in my closet and nobody has found me yet. i hope they worry because maybe they will think twice before doing that to another person. fuck them. i want them to be worried.

i saw my old doctor on monday the 17th, and updated him on how i have been for the past year and a half.

after much talking we have decided to try a new medication. it’s called latuda (lurasidone) and i have been on before, long ago, but had to stop due to akathisia issues. we are starting with a small dose, 10 mg, and if i can handle it i will eventually move up to 40 mg. he also prescribed me cogentin to help with the side effects. and he is keeping me on the small amount of zoloft for the time being. i picked them all up from the pharmacy today, and 300 fucking dollars later – just for the month – here is my medication list:


wellbutrin – 450 mg

buspirone – 45 mg

cogentin – 2 mg

sertraline – 50 mg

atarax – 100 mg

trileptal – 900 mg

latuda – 10 – 40 mg


this is way too much – and it amazes me that people can continue to operate on any sort of somewhat normal level with this much shit in their bodies. i don’t need all of this. most of this is stuff i was taking before that he doesn’t want me to have to stop cold turkey, so hopefully in the next month or two i will be off a lot of these, or at least at lower doses. people shouldn’t have to take this much shit just to keep themselves from going insane. i almost feel like going completely insane would be preferred to having to eat so many pills and just be off in my own little crazy world where maybe i won’t feel all of this.

things must change. i’m going to be signing up for the mandatory insurance plan tonight or tomorrow and i don’t know how much it might help me.

other than that, i continue to try and stay sober – three weeks now – and get back to writing and updating this more often. i appreciate everyone who still cares enough to read this.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/03/20.

12 Responses to “me and march 20. 2014”

  1. glad to see you writing again. best of luck in figuring out your medication, hopefully you can get to a point where you are taking less. I tend to be very skeptical of medication, it seems like a lot of side effects when the positive effects aren’t necessarily so obvious. I’m not doctor though, now am I? 🙂 hang in there and thanks for sharing!

    • i don’t blame you for being skeptical. after twenty years, i don’t know how i have managed to put any stock in them any more. you are right though, the side effects can be awful – sometimes way worse than what you are trying to fight. it’s pretty damn backwards. 😉

  2. Transitions suck … away from a clinic, to a new med … the question is always will it such more or less than staying in the same rut? I feel like I should just rip it up and start again sometimes. I try to be content with being generally flat and apathetic, but sometimes … and then what? I’ve already tried so many things, would anything new work, or just lead to more frustration and disappointment? I resonate with so much I hear from you. Staying sober can be hard–are you doing it on your own? I just passed one year, with a 12-Step group, which is the only way I can do it–but I’m an alcoholic. Don’t know about you. Hope you are well.

    • after talking to my doctor – the one who has known me for a few years, i’ve decided that i am not an alcoholic, as i usually only drink when my head is too fucked up and sad and i just need a break. if i can find that break in other ways i will use them. i’m not even a big fan of drinking any more, as it usually just causes me more problems.

      there are definitely those days that i grow so frustrated with trying to get better. sometimes it feels like staying in this same miserable pool is the best thing for me – even if it sucks, it is familiar.

      congrats on the one year anniversary, man. that’s major, and i’m sure it hasn’t been easy. keep going. 🙂

  3. Hi my friend. It’s nice to hear from you and be updated with what’s going on. (I gotta do that too).

    I do sense something positive in what you wrote. It was quite a bit different to how you normally write.

    Well done for staying sober. Seriously. 3 weeks is really good. I don’t think is manage a number of days outside of hospital right now and stay sober.

    You keep on going and I wish you well with the new medication. My anti-depressant is being changed too to Mirtazapine/Remeron. It’s the only med that wasn’t really tried enough but is a very successful med that also kicks in faster than any other anti-depressant and has other pros too. That’s if it helps of course.

    You keep it up and persist on Sean. I’m thinking of you.

    • hey there! thanks for the nice words. good luck with the remeron. i know i took it years ago, but cannot remember how i did with it.

      i’m glad the both of us are still here, fighting and surviving. i’ll be thinking of you also.

      • I am glad to hear it. Keep up the fight. And I will too. Thanks for the good lucks. I hope your meds get sorted out too. X

  4. I just want you to know I’m still here and still reading and still thinking of you even when you’re not writing. Hugs. xo.

  5. Still care enough to read and catch up. Hope to see you soon!

  6. Always here and wanting to read your updates. Sometimes a few days go by before I can read…still haven’t updated my blog in months lol Hope the clinic is absolutely panicking! 🙂 You’re right, way too much meds…here’s to successfully weaning off the ones you don’t need. And congratulations on the sober time, I think a week or so is my longest so far. xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: