alltheavenueslookugly

i am okay for now.

so much has happened in the past week, and there are large chunks of days that i cannot even remember. i’ve been able to piece some things together from those around me, but things will be changing now. again.

i know i had spoken about the SSRI – luvox – that i was on, and the weird zappy things it was doing to me, and to my head, and i guess it went in for the kill last tuesday night.

i vaguely remember calling a cab early wednesday morning, because i was in no condition to drive. i had taken a couple of atarax and klonopin to try and calm my anxiety and to stop the hallucinations and i felt like i wanted to die. i had not been drinking at all, which is probably the only reason i am still alive. the cab driver picked me up and 40 dollars and one blog update later i was at the clinic. i don’t remember the specifics, just that the front desk called paged my therapist and i told her not to fucking bother because he probably didn’t care. i remember being in a room with my therapist and my psychiatrist’s nurse and i was begging to see my doctor. i was crying and telling them i was sick of being like this. sick of the medications and being so scared. the nurse told me if i saw him i would be instantly hospitalized. i was trying to make them understand that i wasn’t suicidal and needed help to get off the medication and the nurse told me there was nothing they could do and that i should leave.

i remember my therapist driving me home, i took another klonopin, and fell asleep.

the next day i went up to the clinic and got my records from them and told them i wasn’t coming back.

i have an appointment with my old doctor – the one i saw for years – on the 17th of march. to hold me over until then, my general practitioner prescribed me a small dose of zoloft to help counter the side effects of the luvox. he also told me – and from what i have read – is that my psychiatrist was shitty in the way he tried to wean me off. i was taking 200 mg daily, and most accounts i’ve seen had patients reducing their dose by 25 mg every 2-3 weeks until they were off of it. my doctor took me from 200, to 100 the next week, to 50 the next week, and then done.

it seems to explain a lot.

i’ve spent the majority of last week being taken care of by a wonderful person. i would never have been able to do any of this without her. i’ve been trying to sleep, trying not to dream, and definitely not drinking.

seriously, all of you. be so careful on SSRI’s. no matter the drug, or the dose. always do your own research as well and ask your doctor every fucking question you can think of. if they can’t or don’t answer, stay away.

now i wait for the 17th, and we’ll see what is next.

thanks for all the messages of concern. those who have been reading for a long time know how much i appreciate it and how much i wish i could express it better than i do.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/03/03.

Posted in march14
Tags: alcohol, bipolar disorder, crying, depression, dreams, drugs, medications, nightmares, self harm, therapy