me and february 24. 2014

coming off a medication and my brain has been zapping since last thursday. my head only sometimes feels like it is attached to my neck and i am dizzy while i walk and while i sit and while i sleep.

i imagine my head is deflating slowly and i might wake up tomorrow with a pancake face and two eyeballs that roll onto the floor when i stand up. there will be gallons of blood covering everything i cannot see and i really have no choice but to grab a pair of scissors and crudely remove this dead balloon that is hanging from my neck. i hope somebody can help me. somebody that can guide my hand to a good spot and that can stand the noises that it will make. i’ve never tried to cut through a flat football before, but i can imagine the sound will be similar.

i won’t lie and i will tell you that i am always scared of another seizure. once you’ve had a few, it is easy for that fear to slip into your line of vision and it scares me to walk down the stairs out of my apartment or cross the street or drive my car. brains don’t pay much attention to the surroundings when they decide to begin having thier fits. i’ve been lucky to have them lying down, and i have been unlucky to have them while standing up and having everybody around me see –

what it looks like when a person freezes, their mouth falls open, and then they drop to the hardwood floor – the head cracking like a melon and there is blood that is touching their shoes.

my lips are numb. metallic tasting like when i would take lithium – and it causes a disgusting dry spoiled smell in my nose.

even after all of this talk, and i am still seriously considering a procedure that forces me to have seizures in hopes that my brain will jump and  fall into a comfortable place where it can smile and feel like love. i hope it shows just how desperate i have become. how much i need for this to go away or give me a break.

i dream about teacups and coffins and making my way through goddamn muddy woods and slapping the mosquitoes that are hanging on my eyes. i dream about you, molly, and the way that you could probably pick them off one by one and keep me from bruising my face because i am frightened and impatient.

it’s too late. i am sitting here now waiting for my therapist to arrive at my house and then i can go get acupuncture done and maybe…just maybe…

i have just a shred more hope than any other person in my body would. i’m still that wonderful bipolar mess of a person that cannot stop chewing the inside of my cheeks and wondering where my life went so long ago.

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/02/24.

4 Responses to “me and february 24. 2014”

  1. I went off my pristiq and abilify for a few weeks as I was thinking about getting pregnant and the zaps in my brain and the twitches in my body were too much also going off antianxiety and sleeping pills was the last straw…I went back on them all. But there had been no weaning process. I am assuming you are getting ready to try a new one? Always, hoping for better days for you my friend. Bless your heart for fighting so hard!

    • yeah, sometimes these side-effects from stopping are worse than anything and you just want to get back on the damn medication because while it didn’t make you feel great, the coming off of it hurt so much worse.

  2. I remember the days and weeks and months I spent battling my mind. People don’t realize how exhausting it is! I remember well though. I’m in my own depressive rut right now, so I won’t write much, but know that I’m thinking of you. xo

    • if you are right there beside me in our respective ruts then i will also be thinking of you and how someday we will emerge from them for the one thousandth time and go back to surviving these days

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