me and february 24. 2014 – conitnued

my gums are numb and electric and earlier I looked to my left and saw my refrigerator covered in ants. i jumped back, closed my eyes, and when i opened them they were gone. just as quickly as they were even there in the first place.

i stumble walked to my acupuncturist, having to sit down twice because i was afraid i would pass out.

filled out paperwork and it was a breeze, until i got to the check list of past symptoms and problems. i checked them all – total honesty. and the lady read it over carefully. she explained what exactly they did there and what did i hope to get our of the treatment.

I had tears in my eyes while i explained to her a brief history of sean. twenty long years reduced to four short minutes. she said i was in the right place.

i fell into a chair, she put me my feet up, and began to stick the nails in me. 6 for each of my ears. 2 in my head. 2 for each foot, and a few on my arms. she told me to rest, and I closed my eyes – having no intention of falls asleep- but i did. i felt strange walking out if there – not sure if I was high from how relaxed I was or just feeling the effects of the shirty SSRI as it makes it’s way out if my body. the lady told me I looked like i was having awful nightmares.

i plan to go back. i need those moments of calm. i need something to hold me for just. few minutes every day – just to remind me.

right now i am trying to swallow water and it won’t go anywhere. until the lump in my throat recedes and i can finally break free of conditional western bullshit medications.

i am like andy kaufamn. i willing to try anything – no matter how crazy, if there is even the slightest bit of a chance. maybe i will be lucky in die in some exotic secluded beach and the villagers will toss my carcass into the ocean and let the fish and sharks pull whatever they want of me. do I have a fantasy of dying alone. maybe, but just maybe I don’t want to take the chance of anybody I loved having to see my body or to fucking clean up after the big fucking mess I would leave begin. animals die all the time in the woods and then it is on to the next suicidal person who thinks the same way I do.

nobody is leaving a behind a perfectly recognizable body . we become food for hermit crabs and the homeless that refuse to be picky

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/02/24.

4 Responses to “me and february 24. 2014 – conitnued”

  1. I’m glad to hear you are finding moments of calm.

  2. I’ve never tried acupuncture, it’s sounds like it’s worth it,,,glad you found even a moments peace xo

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