me and february 18. 2014

if i sound sad it is because i am and the dreams know it and all over the mind knows it and i can watch seconds fall off of this clock and i know that whatever happens – it’s going to end eventually. eventually you beat your mind or your mind beats you – and after so long does it even matter who wins anymore?

i have catalogues of disappointments i wish i could read them all to you so I might make some sense. so when the room stops spinning and they quit looking at me like the depression isn’t quite that bad and i am so close to a recovery that i should be able to taste it.

but bullshit. it is boxes of bullshit left unopened in the corner of the garage. a place that i don’t have and couldn’t use it anyway.

it is boxes of bullshit and fires and sympathetic looks and frowns and ways i digest this and i’m trying to keep my head up. trying to smile. trying to goddamn quiet the unfortunate suggestions in my ears –

where are you? i might see you out of the corner of my eyes and when i turn to look you are gone, replaced with tiny, exploding silver stars. i might hear you whisper my name. am i going crazy again because i might be hearing voices or listening better which should improve my memory and mood?

i want to be done with you doctors. done with all of you in that clinic. and i want you to forget that i ever existed – and i would completely forget you if it were not for you sour smell.

i need a break. give me a few days. a week. a relief. time for me to wake up happy to be alive and to have a bedroom like a Disney movie with bluebirds and songs. let me have some days where i don’t have to think about this. where my arms don’t burn in the showers. where i am not afraid to sleep.

give me a dark that is easy on the eyes.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/02/18.

One Response to “me and february 18. 2014”

  1. Oh honey I feel like you are writing my life. Are you old enough to remember that song…”killing me softly”…at the very least I can offer you the knowledge that you are not just not alone but inside my head, reading my own thoughts and experiences. The dreams always get me, lay me bare to my worst fears, and sleep becomes a two edged sword…I want and need to sleep to get away and then just before waking the dreams ruin it all so that upon waking I am sent back down into that dark hole where nothing is right. A rest from it ALL would be so fine, a hammock on the beach of some perfect private beach….just for a while. I have been up a little more lately and am wondering if the bach flower remedies that were suggested to me have had some effect, I will try anything at this point. And yet I still have hope…am I just stupid or romantic…who knows…email me any time I am always here and I don’t think anyone could understand me like you would I already feel like I have found a friend…heartachingly (I guess not really a word) hard to come by

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