me and february 06. 2014

fuck you ssri’s.

they are awful and such a disappointment. i knew it was a mistake to get back on one, and i should have been smarter. i should have remembered just how much i hated them, how dopey they made me feel – like my poor face has to pull itself up after it falls down to my chin – how they made me gain weight – and now i am having to go back to under-eating just to shed some of this disgusting fat that is clinging to my body – how they made the idea of sex seem about as appealing as punching myself in the eyeballs, how they do absolutely nothing to make everything better – and just how much worse they seem to make me feel.

read those black box warnings. don’t feed these to your children. when i was a kid they didn’t know didn’t tell us everything

these major offenders : celexa, lexapro, luvox, paxil, prozac, zoloft

for those of you that have taken them, or continue to take them and swear love for them then by all means continue. you are lucky. i am not. they do nothing nice to me.

in my nightmares i see myself crawling thru tunnels full of broken glass and i am trying to scream or just push my way thru – and they all laugh at me and tell me there is no use – the damage is done and cannot be repaired. twenty years of these things will do fantastically shitty things to your mind and i feel like i just say the same thing over and over but can i really say it enough? are there enough words to type out – one by one by one almost celebrating the fact that i am able to push something out? each word is a separate silly piano key making a ding ding sound like a water drop bouncing off of my forehead.

if i make it to forty years old will i look like i am one hundred and all around my eyes will be red sore and saggy and my skin like a colorful spider web that was once stretched tight over my bones but is now wrinkled and coming apart and every ridge comes with a sign that maybe i did too much to myself when i was younger. will these hundreds of scars on my arms still look like they do now at thirty two and the way they looked when i was sixteen?

maybe my mind will unravel before then and come loose falling out of my mouth and forming a neat pile in front of my feet.

maybe i will wake up tomorrow and be cured. maybe i will suffer a bout of amnesia that erases everything sad from the fourth grade until yesterday. and i can love, and accept love and my eyes don’t blur and i’ll never know what it feels like to be locked behind doors in hospitals, never know what it feels like to have tube shoved down my throat and charcoal pumped into my stomach until i vomit screaming and of course – no blog.

and i wouldn’t know what it is like to miss you guys.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/02/06.

7 Responses to “me and february 06. 2014”

  1. Sorry to “like” the post, but I’ve had the charcoal treatment too. I’m out of tricyclics now, but I went on Pristiq a while after my last major attempt and it’s at least tricked my mind into thinking I feel somewhat normal. My body is still depressed by my mind is a bit eased. Have you tried it? It’s not an SSRI, different class, my doc had to petition my insurance company to get it for me, it’s pretty new. I tried more than 50 meds/med cocktails before finding this drug, plus the mood stabilizer & tranqs, that worked. If you haven’t I would really urge you to try it, I know other people who’re much better from it. OK, I’ll shut up now. Sending you healing thoughts.

    • i have not tried it, actually. my doctor is really limited in what he can prescribe, so i am going to start looking for a new one. i don’t have insurance so i don’t know how expensive it is, but i will look into it. thank you

  2. Grr. That’s seriously annoying. I don’t know what to say…? That you are damn unlucky to have all of these side effects from those SSRIs. I would ask about if you tried SNRIs or other anti-depressants that are not SSRIs but maybe you have tried them already. I do wonder of there is something out there that can help you. Like now, Seroquel isn’t bringing me out of depression but it’s stabilising me a bit (so far).

    I so hope you find something that can help you. You don’t deserve to suffer and then on top, have to deal with these meds that are doing nasty things to you.

    As always, wishing you the best. 🙂

  3. I am also on pristiq and abilify which seems to be the best so far, also clonazepam and zolpidem for sleep which don’t work at all. They put me on this cocktail after my last suicide attempt about three years ago. Every time I go to my doc lately I tell him it is minimally working to the point where I can stand to live another day but not much more and every time he smiles and writes another three month prescription. I asked him about EST a while ago which just got another smile and the comment that I don’t need that. Sometimes I want to scream when people can’t see that my learned way of coping from way back in childhood was to put on a happy face and try to make everyone else feel good, until I have another meltdown…I am starting to try all kinds of things from juicing to get really good nutrients into my body and also to keep up the fight of weight gain, mindful meditation, yoga and have also been conversing with Jesus again. At this point I would try almost anything just to feel something other than pain or detachment. I am functioning enough to read and write a little but not much more and I feel life slowly passing as I just get older. I think feeling useless contributes greatly, so I guess I have to find a way to function well enough just to matter to someone else, maybe even help someone else. I want to stay in my dark room all the time but am forced out every now and then by my family, I think that is why it’s been three years since I hit rock bottom but it doesn’t stop me hurting myself which usually makes me feel better for a while. Oh and sex on this medication….blahhhhh but it is still the best meds so far! ROFL
    Sorry for the mini novel,,,but thank you so much for your posts. xoxo

  4. thank you, patti. yeah, i’ve gone through so much of that – with no good results. i know most of that which you have described. i am notorious for eating my emotions and just trying to focus on helping others. as you know, that cannot work forever.

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