me and january 06. 2014

drug list:

wellbutrin – 300mg – once in the morning

atarax – 50mg – two in the morning, two in the evening

trileptal – 300mg – three per day

buspirone – 15mg – three per day

luvox – 50mg – one in the morning, one in the evening

 

i go through ups and downs and sideways glances at everything around me and often there is a haze that is easy to see through – but still obviously distorting the image a little bit. it’s like i am constantly digging dirt out of my eyes and it is always gritty. i am clenching my teeth while i dream.

i have been sleeping so much, between the luvox and the over-sleeping that can come with deep depression. the sleep would be welcome, as it would allow me to escape this for just a few hours. to give me a break.

but then i sleep. and the dreams come.

and they are bad.

i wish i dreamed of imaginary devils and gremlins and everything else that i could convince myself is not real and only exists like water-brown photos hung on the walls of hell.

but no such luck – and i am completely useless and stuck with things so real that i feel like we are all in this together and all of you can see me as i am stumbling around and listening to the shadows as they talk to me – but you cannot do a thing about it. maybe you feel bad and wish you could hold up signs or erect billboards to warn me that this is all false – that i am really safe inside the cocoon and that these things cannot hurt me. but that is impossible. they are in my mind, where there is no escape. where i don’t control the movements or the music and we have dragged ourselves into another year.

will the light come soon? they said it would be better someday. and then thursday came. and then october came. and then the years passed and passed and here we are now. we can cross x’s over the days behind us.

here we go, guys. it’s not a new adventure.

as long as we find ourselves screaming in our sleep and not in the cold brick confines of some shitty psychiatric hospital, then we must be doing something right.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2014/01/06.

4 Responses to “me and january 06. 2014”

  1. That’s the spirit! heheh…yes, as long as you’re on ‘the outside”- you’re good. No matter how bad some days feel for me, that’s always my measuring rod- being in “there”. I tell myself, ‘”Hey, it’s been worse!” And God knows it has been, so yes- I (and you) can live through ANYTHING in comparison. Nobody can convince me that the “ugly things” aren’t real…I’ve seen them too many times, in and out of my dreams. I know better. But also, I know that God didn’t create me to torment me, you know? Those lines used to be blurred and I didn’t know where the door was. Now I have the courage to walk through it, but it took me going to hell and back (literally) to gain that.

    I feel really stupid sometimes and I don’t have the right words, but I hope you know that I truly “do” understand what you’re going through. (Remember, I was a lottttttt worse off than you on your worst day imaginable.) The wrong meds, though, can be a really big part of the problem- we can think it’s “us” when it’s bad meds. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to find that perfect combination. Whatever you do, do NOT allow them to perform ECT- they did that to my Aunt and it wasn’t pretty.

    Hang in there, cowboy. I think you’re going to find your way out of this black hole- it may take some time- but in the end, it’s going to be YOU that brings you out and not modern medicine. You’ve got a really good head on your shoulders! x

  2. it’s hard to say what will happen. i know we’ve had different trips – and that is okay. it doesn’t keep us from having that empathy for each other. i know it is hard to try and describe sometimes or to feel like you aren’t being trite. i get it. it’s honestly what keeps me from commenting a lot of times. but i do get it.

    we’ll see how it all goes, right?

  3. The best positive way of living a bp is to treat it like a roller coaster ride n enjoy d daily alterations v have in our moods.Pain of heave dozes is a pain no one understands.I use to tell my dr u take just one doze of mine n I bet u won’t perform for a week:)Had a lot of faith in GOD n took up d courage to retire my evil mind n left Medes:)Hope u c that day soon:)

  4. I don’t always comment either, but I’m always reading. Every. Damn. Word. And always hoping for you. And I send you positive energy whenever I can.

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