me and december 30. 2013

last post of the year…

strange how i can use this blog like some sort of strange timeline and chart how well or not i have been doing – and unfortunately i don’t think i have made much progress but maybe i have? i look at it and realize there was a very real suicide attempt halfway through this blog and the results and how i happened to dig myself out. for the time, at least. don’t ever assume it is better because i don’t have a mouthful of pills. sometimes you just hold your breath and jump into life and see what goddamn happens.

i have thought about leaving the clinic where i have been a patient ever since said suicide attempt took place. while i pay virtually nothing for my doctor visits and prescriptions, it is limited, and i realize the doctors there aren’t willing to do what i need. i’m sick. i’m broken. i’m fucking broken. and i need somebody who is willing to do anything…even if it means prescribing me whatever shit and/or putting me down on a stretcher to let my brain be electrocuted and to send me into a seizure.

i know a lot of my readers come from overseas – the u.k. in particular. i know for some of you this seems absurd, and i don’t blame you. i have to weigh the costs of seeing a regular doctor who might be willing to think ‘outside of the box,’ over a shitty close-minded doctor that is free of cost. and when i think of the costs of a ‘regular doctor’ + medications, it can be horrible. hundreds of dollars a month that i don’t have. this is how the american health care system is willing to fuck over the sick.\

(insert rant against the u.s. government and just how little they seem to care about treating mental illness. particularly in texas, where i happen to live. it’s not only a shame. it’s inhuman. it’s fucking awful.)

please, if any of my readers happen to be uber-conservatives that disagree with me. i would love to have a talk about it. not an argument, but a good decent talk. something that seems to be impossible in the u.s.

sometimes it is so difficult to put faith in things. in ideas. in whatever. especially when your happiness can depend a lot on the politician representing your state, and what they believe  is the right thing.  (yeah, i’m looking at you, Rick Perry.)

aside from all of that, i really hope all of you have a great new years. i hope all of you are safe and pleasant and everything works out. i hope you get to kiss somebody you love. i hope the world opens up a little more for you and you are able to rise above the shit that holds you and you are able to do those things that you love to do and love those that you love to love.

sincerely. if i can’t have it, i want all of you to have it.

it’s only fair.

i hope i am able to change my tune soon.


peace, you guys.


[edit: i wrote this. i didn’t read it. i hope it makes sense.]

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/12/30.

10 Responses to “me and december 30. 2013”

  1. Best post of the year!

  2. I hope you will have a much better year in 2014 and wish all the wonderful things for you that you so unselfishly are wishing for others. If at all possible, money wise, I would try out a better doctor even if it can only be temporary, it might be enough to point you in the right direction, this is your life after all. Big cyber HUGS,,,you are not alone!!!

  3. What’s worse is that these politicians don’t get it. They think their reality is universal and make decisions based on that. They ha a healthy baby, so they assume that all babies are healthy. They passed a high school biology class, so they know just as much as doctors. They had to take a loan out to go to college, so obviously, higher education is possible for all. They had an anxiety attack once, so they understand depression and mental illness.

    What’s worse is that they are so self-absorbed that they don’t leave enough room to even consider the possibility that they are wrong. When faced with facts or personal anecdotes that prove contrary to their personal beliefs, they ignore the evidence and only focus on what supports their world view. I read a book back in college that dealt with this topic – if you think your magical tennis shoes help win your basketball game, you will only remember those games in which you won while wearing them. Your mind won’t (can’t?) remember the games in which you wore them, but lost.

    And then, once you get past politicians, you have to deal with asshole insurance companies who don’t care about you or your health – they just want to make a profit. Can you tell I’m still a little bitter?

    I hope 2014 sucks less than 2013 did for all of us. 😉

  4. From here, hiding in my bed, under my blanket, 2014 looks not too promising. We can all cross out fingers and chant some positive self-talk and perhaps it will all turn around. One thing, the world is a little better with you here, Sean.

    • jeffrey, i think about the same things when i am curled up on my couch beneath my blanket in this icy apartment. it looks and feels as cold as i can feel. how i feel too often.
      if this world is better with me in it, it’s only because i have support from wonderful people that help keep me here. thank you.

  5. You deserve everything too my friend. Sincerely you do.

    If I can say that I deserve it then you can too. Even when I’m out of it in hospital and going through so much sh*t too… We all deserve to get out of the horrible places that we are in.

    Wishing you the best… Maybe see about changing your doctor and clinic, like you said. You have nothing to lose.. It could really help Sean.

    Please take care my friend and keep on with us.

    All the best for 2014 x

    • i’m so glad to see you. i’m so glad to see a more positive tone in your typing, and hope things are going okay for you. i think about you often and just how alike we have been at times.

      me both made it through another year. good for us. seriously.

      take care, friend.

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