me and december 21. 2013

major depression is so difficult.

i am there right now. i am having a bad episode.

this is how it feels to be really really sad, sean. you know this feeling. this is just another note. another example.

i don’t know where it came from – most of the time i don’t. but it’s been building up since yesterday, and at some point this morning it hit me. hard. really hard. it was all i could do to finish work. i don’t know how i did it.  i didn’t want to be there, but i didn’t want to be anywhere else.

i want to drink. i don’t want to drink. i want to call somebody and cry. i can’t. i want to carve my arms up. i won’t. the contradictions are spreading across my face.

i am unhappy. a tired unhappy mess. i don’t know what to do.

for now, the lights in my apartment are going off. the air conditioner is on. i am beneath a blanket on my couch and i just have to be ready to ride this out until it’s done hurting me.  right now it’s like it is never going to go away. there is no point in telling myself that it will because i cannot believe that nonsense. wasting breath.

it’s in these moments when i really think about my life and i am just making it worse by thinking so much. i really don’t like myself and i try. i hate the way i look and think and i could list the imperfections but they are so glaringly obvious and do not need arrows pointed at them.

i wish i could fall asleep or turn the world off and start all over to when i was young and –

ugh. never mind. it’s ridiculous to even wish for that dream.

my brain needs to turn off. my eyes need to close. i wish i had no idea what this fucking felt like. it’s so much worse than bad. but not nearly as bad as it can get yet.

there is a feeling like you are drowning inside yourself. your friends and family are all around and watching it happen. they are sad because they cannot help you. you are sad because they are sad. the sadder they feel for you, the more sad you become. i need to turn my brain off. i’m sorry. i wish i could say more. but not right now.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/12/21.

6 Responses to “me and december 21. 2013”

  1. *hugs* I hope your body and mind got some rest and peace. Thinking of you. xo.

  2. It’s ok, sweetie. Try to rest……

  3. I want you to know, for what it’s worth, how special you are to me, Sean. I hurt with you, I truly do. And I cry because I hurt for you. (Yep.) I know the pain, the madness, the chatter- the furies, rages, and ultimate resolve.

    I feel you, friend. You know, for me, what’s helped me tremendously is getting good and pissed off. it’s going to happen anyway, right? Right! But I began to carefully select what I was going to hate. I was hating myself (for years, you know the drill) and chewed my tongue and cheeks up until they were so sore and bleeding- for 30+ years- (same as cutting) – the self-mutilation. It’s only been within this last year that I decided to hate the right things! Hate the abuse that was put on me as a child. Hate the injustice of other people’s self-righteousness. Hate the evil that accompanies such a self-righteousness mindset. Hate the self-destruction- hate the acceptance and belief that “I’m a failure” – the list goes on.

    I’m a very intense person to be around- probably anybody would agree. But I seek the truth in a matter or situation! I don’t want puffy lies and fake crap! So, I get a bad rap sometimes for being “intense”.

    I finally said “enough is enough already!” in my life. I know your struggles, hombre. Know that some people WANT you to be “sick” because you’re their fall guy. You’re the “one with the problems”. It makes some people (especially family members) very uneasy when you start acting healthy, happy and “alright with yourself” because then they’ll be forced to stop studying YOU, and they’ll have to see the ugly mirror of “self”. Not everybody can handle that.

    I’ve reached a point where I had to cut off 4 of my family members, man- straight up, because they kept me sick. All they would ever (want) to see was a broken mess. They accepted that! Because that was the pecking order they had cut out ages ago. I followed the routine because I wanted love and “acceptance”, you know?

    But Sean- if you have to do what I did to say, “I’m not going to be your frikking sock puppet any more. I’m ok with ME- even being ‘semi-broken’.” Do what you have to do, brother. I’m not saying that your case is the same as mine, but I think you know what I’m saying. ;0)

    I really do care for you and I want you to know you’re not alone. You’re one of my favourite people. My Christmas will be spent alone, visiting the grave of my deceased father. (It’s my tradition.) I hope you have a good one though. xo

    • you are a wonderful person. thank you so much. you are as real a person as they come and i do appreciate every bit of yourself and your advice and just words. it’s hard to read but it’s impossibly accurate – it’s a reflection that i look at every single day. i love when people take the time to hold that mirror up to my face.
      one day i will hug you and thank you for always taking the time to offer me encouragement. even if i can’t use it at the time, it’s always taken and remembered.

      • Well, we’re in the same boat, you and me! In the end, it’s all the same. It’s hard to know how to carry the magnitude of the pain sometimes. If it weren’t for my music (piano/guitar) and photography- yow. I’d be…really bad off…(worse) ;art lets me get it out, you know? At least some of it. :0/ Anyway, Sean, you inspire me to write more songs and take more pictures, so thanks for that. They’re gifts. x

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