alltheavenueslookugly

i will become sleepy or without warning i will become unconscious for a minute or five and wake covered in sweat that could also be tears and my head will be heavy and i cannot hold it up as it rolls side to side and i look like i cannot decide on an idea – it is most likely accurate but really i just have more important things to worry about like staying upright and alive through the hour when anything could happen and would i even be aware that it is – or concerned with the consequence?

at some point i would be, but right now i am just detached and swimming fast in front of myself w/nothing to say because my mouth has lost all moisture and my tongue is a sand paper distraction that is sticking to the ceiling –

ready to be watered down and torn away when the circles relax and i am once again living like a somewhat normal human being  i am fourteen years old again and in the gut of the psych hospital and i am not nearly the only one here who has just dreamed himself into a goddamn ugly panic –

i don’t know if i explained this to you before or if you even cared but right now i am crawling out of another dream just to arrive in a dark and lonely bedroom where i have stripped the sheets off of my bed and they are piled in the corner while i sit up, still talking to myself and pointing at important places in the empty air –

it takes minutes for the monsters to finally walk away – i am trying to hold on to any sort of detail.

i can’t remember it long enough to write it down.

i am not distracted. just broken and moving slow.

i am also really lost.

yes, that one too.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/12/05.

Posted in december13
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, hating self, isolation, medications, mental illness, psychiatric hospital, sleep