alltheavenueslookugly

i am alone

i am hungry and awake

i am swallowing my medication breakfast

i am watching the clock with some half-assed amusement

i am on the couch

i am beneath a blanket

i am watching the back of my eyelids – falling

i am asleep

i am dreaming

i am warm

i am vaguely aware that somewhere, miles away, my phone is ringing for the holidays

i am snoozing and being ungrateful

i am dreaming

i am shaking myself awake

i am certain these are depression shivers

 

i am disorientated

i am alone

i am not okay with myself

i am looking down at my arms and legs

i am sure they are broken and hanging there with no purpose

i am goddamn sore and it makes me sore to be awake and trying to move

i am eating these medication side effects

i am feeling shitty and not smiling

i am watching the clock again and amusement has been replaced with confusion and sad

 

i am dragging myself around my apartment

i am alone

i am smoking a cigarette and –

i am back upstairs

i am warm again

i am done

i am ready to crawl back into the mouth of whatever creature i –

 

i am stopping just long enough to think about how the ending comes when you can no longer swallow the pain and everything that is already there has eaten you up inside and made you hollow and you are too busy crying and too tired – and the sun stops coming up and there are ways that the clouds move over you and i will stop now before i am scattered and vomiting because i can’t keep these ideas together anymore

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/11/29.

Posted in november13
Tags: bipolar disorder, cigarettes, depression, dreams, guilt, hating self, insomnia, love, medications, mental illness, nightmares, sleep