me and november 25. 2013

still here. still sweating off reactions to my medications – and what was once helping me sleep just isn’t working anymore and i am quickly kicked to sleep after an hour and then a few hours later yanked up and i am still finding myself talking to invisible friends and enemies and friends and her and it might just all be a fantasy or not and i think she is standing there listening to everything i say – and in return we laugh into each others sentences and talk about our own hidden island that nobody will ever find –

i might be passing out and just walking into my dreams when she screams a goodnight  from somewhere  and after miles and miles of echo it’s just as strong as it was when it left her mouth and i’m beginning to think that maybe this isn’t an accident and i’m not just imagining this tiny insomniac angel that i recognize  from the best thoughts of my day –

maybe she’ll be there to hold me and i hold her and our pillows will press together – and pause. and she has found her way out of the cage and i swear i can hear it when she smiles and also when she cries –

i don’t feel like waking up until then and just sleeping through all the sleeps in between.

oh, these imagination pains are lovely to describe as something new and incredible and frightening and i still expect to wake up to my frozen hands and no photographs that i swear were there ten minutes ago –

no dreams are ever this sincere and believable –

i’m nervous. everyone waves in my direction. my pills are keeping me from something else.

she might even be writing notes to me and pinning them directly to what is definitely a secret.

and she is fucked and broken like i am when i look into a mirror and see someone beside me.

but maybe it isn’t a dream and i am really seeing her half-asleep on the bed  with my name so perfectly spelled across her hip bone – looking gorgeous and sad and full of worry and the sweetest laugh is leaving her for me – and this might be the last love i ever want and need and if she is real there must be a reason.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/11/25.

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