me and november 15. 2013

ugh, i’m just another pathetic lonely and questionable miserable person who wishes he could just crawl back up the right leg and find a new way to tear himself free through the uterine walls and rip teeth through veins and be birthed through the upper thigh and discover himself waking up to the middle of a sunday breakfast of eggs and toast and fruit and you look around but couldn’t be more bored than you are trying to experience and waiting for the memories of awful sunday school censorship and a reason to look for anything other than what suit jackets and dumb polka dot ties might tell you. they might tell me that the end might come. they might tell you that the sinners belong in hell and what the hell are you doing at the goddamn pizza parlor this time on a friday night?

what the hell are you doing thinking anything has changed since you were a goddamn scared fourteen year old kid legally doped up in a way you shouldn’t have been and you are observing the world from somebody who can’t even count all the medical scars on his brain and all you are doing is really waiting for the next plastic tray of mashed potatoes and ugh, that other stuff…

sean, you are a ridiculous person with ridiculous ambitions and even more goddamn ridiculous imaginations. if you think that love is coming and deserve it, then you have learned nothing…

you might wave a white flag with some sort of fucking dumb intention but you were never great at explaining your feelings and maybe you should just be confined to a colorful white corner of the hospital room beneath the shit painting of a dog and a tree where you can jerk off and imagine how the white bricks are smashing across your face and leaving shards of thunder-cum bolts across your eyeballs and throats ands and paint-stains in your cheeks and eyeballs and maybe you will see the world how it should be where it is shoved inside of a huge fucking shit-hole and then wiped down the glass side of a —

glass side and a funeral program that includes allen ginsberg, mazzy star, slack-jawed yokel, bean burrito and skeeter davis – minus the noose, obviously. but lyrics printed in both english and spanish for the masses and high print and scratch & sniff for the oldies in the crowd…

i really really really really really really really wish i never trusted anybody anymore and learned my lesson years ago when trust did nothing but the worst things in the world and while i cried and screamed on dirty shit floors in austin and while bruised i gave myself another idea about what trust meant…

i am there. i am there to toss me in with the rotten bloody super chicken eggs into a locked cage with some pens and paper and my twenty years of memories with cameos of smiles and shrugs and guest spots of bewildered drunks who had no idea how they stumbled upon this scene. if that is all i meant to have then okay, but don’t treat this like a cancer and spread it out all over my strep throat…

i hope all of you are ready for an unhappy ending.

seriously.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/11/15.

6 Responses to “me and november 15. 2013”

  1. I wish I knew what to say. I wish that mere words could help.

    I’m just sorry that you are going through this.

    Please try to take care.

  2. Knock knock. It’s a dream. Just sleep.
    But then you have to wake up, because you owe me chapter one and I can’t start chapter two until I get it.
    Be safe.

  3. You can’t talk to my friend, Sean, like that. I won’t let you. So the next time I see you, I’m going to kick your ass. And then I’m going to hug you until you can’t breathe or push me off of you.

  4. Great thoughts, thanks for sharing.

  5. Sean you have a place in this world, you are here for a reason. I also wish there was something I could say to help, but having been in a similar low place I know that is almost impossible, you must somehow find the strength from within to carry on and nurture that small seed of hope that is still buried deep within you. Sending warm and loving thoughts your way my friend.

  6. thank you all. i don’t really know what else to say, except for that.

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