me and november 10. 2013

doctor says to give this new medication three weeks before i notice anything good. if bad side effects are going to happen they will happen soon and depending on how bad they are i should call his nurse. i’m to see her next monday so i can give her some blood and she can check on me medically because sometimes i am too busy with worrying about my brain that i might just neglect everything else until it becomes something that i obviously must make time to worry about. i am going to try and see my new therapist next monday as well.

i’m still waking myself up by talking to either somebody in my dreams, a hallucination, or a real goddamn person standing next to my bed staring at me while they dig boogers out of their nose and turn my ceiling fan on and off. they are never there when i open my eyes and i am still talking for another minute before i just stop and seconds later i can’t even remember what the fuck i was speaking about. this might happen every two to five hours, or twice in a seventy minute span all night.  i’m having trouble explaining just how frightened i feel when i wake up in a dark room and can’t explain why i am babbling incoherently about six different flavors of mustard or why i think i should start playing minor league baseball.

there is that coldness that wraps itself around me and i shiver and i am completely still beneath the blankets and if all remains quiet then maybe i can fall back asleep quickly. more often than not – while i am in that vulnerable time of trying to understand myself and i am not moving at all – a dog from next door might bark, or a tree branch might scrape across my window, and my body will find a way to impossibly grow colder than frozen and i will not be getting back to sleep for a while after that.

i’ll get out of bed and stand in the dark just looking around for a moment. not looking for anything in particular, but just checking out my surroundings. i’ll walk into my living room, put on my jacket, and sit on my couch. still in darkness. still just looking around at nothing.

maybe i will go downstairs,  sit outside on the porch and smoke cigarettes while trying to appreciate how quiet it is at that time of night.

maybe it will take me a minute to light my cigarette because my shaking has gotten worse in the past two weeks to the point where my legs shake uncontrollably when i am going down stairs and it’s hard for me to cook food without making the biggest goddamn mess ever. but i will get it eventually and i feel small and warm inside my jacket. one of the neighborhood street cats might walk by, glance at me with zero interest and then vanish into the bushes.

sometimes i will remember some part of my dream. something incredibly small but just insane enough to make my brain uncomfortable again, and because of that i will definitely not be going back to sleep soon.

i might stay outside for a while in the shadows and try to accept that this is how my nights are going to be from now until i have no idea or until i dream and wake up and the voices are still there and my ceiling fan is turned off and there are boogers covering the chair beside my bed. because if that happens i will probably refuse to ever try and sleep again.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/11/10.

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