me and november 05. 2013

i’m a little bit drunk right now and unsure of myself and am finding a way to hold my own eyes in my arms.

visited my psychiatrist yesterday and was told i would meet my new therapist after. i almost broke down during my doctor visit and told him that the cocktail of meds i have been on for the last two months have suddenly stopped working or i’ve just become too accustomed to them and i felt like i was close to a meltdown – my anxiety has been awful and i’ve just been super sad.

he then told me how frustrating this was. not in a shitty way, because he told me that although he is getting frustrated with not being able to find a good mix of medications that he can’t imagine just how frustrating it must be for me. i told him yes, it was super goddamn frustrating that i am doing everything i should be doing, taking all my meds everyday and not missing any doses and i just get nothing. he also told me to assure him that if i am going to try anything to find a way to the neuropsych center – the place i went to last year – because my life is more important than going to work.

for now we are going to try another medication – and older one, just to see. and he said if this doesn’t work then i might need to start seriously considering ECT.

i’m so afraid that it’s going to come down to that. but i told him that i was willing to do whatever it took for me to not have to feel this horrible every day. i am nervous about it, mainly for the side effects of more memory loss than i already have. i feel like if that happens to me i will just become ruined. so much of my life depends on being able to remember things…i’m just nervous. but i think about it and if there is a chance for me to feel better, it’s worth it. i don’t care how much i might lose from it. i need help. i just need help. i need to feel happier, because this is killing me.

any way, my new drug regime is as follows:

wellbutrin – 300mg – one per day

buspirone – 15mg – three per day

trileptal – 300mg – three per day

atarax – 50mg – two in the morning. two every six hours. two at bedtime

imipramine – 25mg – two at bedtime for three days and then four at bedtime

i met my new therapist and a few minutes after meeting him he told me that my last therapist (the one i saw just a couple of times two months ago) passed away last week. i didn’t see him that much, but it made me feel really sad and weird. new therapist is younger and seems like he is going to be fun. apparently he used to be a professional football player. he likes to laugh really loud and curse and tell me how we are going to work together on my self-esteem and find new ways for me to cope with my feelings.

i’ve been listening to the supremes a lot. it’s really wonderful.

hope everyone is doing okay. hugs to you all.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/11/05.

13 Responses to “me and november 05. 2013”

  1. Your new therapist sounds awesome! Maybe just being able to talk to someone with that kind of upbeat energy will be good for you. I hate that you are on so many pills, though. I wish you could just be you without a bunch of crap floating around in your veins… But I know it’s not that simple. Not even close. Just remember how much I care and worry about you, okay? ❤

  2. Your new therapist sounds really cool! x

  3. Wow, that is one hell of a med cocktail. I am so glad to hear about the new promising therapist.
    My son’s (coping with OCD and schizophrenia) obsessive fears have been driving him crazy again lately, it is such a sad struggle and very difficult to describe …. every move he makes is accompanied by panic, real deep suffocating panic of the things he believes are deadly and which I know don’t exist. Tomorrow we have an appointment with a group of psychiatrists at our (state funded) mental health care center. I don’t expect much outcome other than adding medication, which in this case I believe is inevitable. Hang in there dear friend, your new therapist is the light at the end of the tunnel. Heila

    • that’s rough. i’m sorry to hear that. hopefully your appointment went well and your son can begin to get some sort of relief. he’s lucky to have a mom that is on his side. that makes such a huge difference. take care and good luck. 🙂

  4. Your new therapist sounds awesome. And it might be impossible to be sad whilst listening to the Supremes. Lol….whilst. xo

  5. Sounds like maybe you’ve found the marble in the oatmeal. Even though your new therapist sounds like a bit of a D U D E, maybe his unique approach will capture your attention or maybe distract you enough to remove some of the awkwardness of talking to a complete stranger – you are stronger than most.

    And fuck it, if you are seriously considering ECT, good for you. Even if you don’t need it, decide not to try it, or it’s not recommended, you are brave and you are honest and I think those are two of the most important traits one can have when facing yet another change in meds/docs/lifestyle.

    Your energy, willingness and tolerance are remarkable, and as usual I am grateful that you can write about at least some of it here.

    Thank you.

    • yeah, i thought the same thing when i first met him. seemed kind of ‘bro-ish’ but we will see. it definitely takes me a few visits to warm up to therapists, but you are right, i’ve never had one like him before. hopefully it will help in a way that i’ve never had before.
      thank you for your words. they mean everything.

  6. I like the sound of your therapist. My case manager cusses too, and it’s refreshing sort of like a real person. I had ECT and why the memory loss was bad for me, I’m alive and I did what I had to (twice actually.) Hope the meds work but it’s good you haven’t exhausted your efforts, even though ECT isn’t ideal.

    • it’s a really difficult decision to make – as i’m sure you know. but i have really become desperate. it scares me to think about what might happen afterward – but it also scares me to think i will feel this way for the rest of my life. i hope you are doing okay.

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