alltheavenueslookugly

at last i got a call from the man who will be my new therapist. we are supposed to meet on monday after i see my psychiatrist. i don’t know what is going to happen. i feel like my doctor is going to see how much weight i’ve lost and assume i’m taking amphetamines again and then it is back to getting drug tested and having to pee on command or maybe he’ll have my blood drawn and i can cringe as another nurses assistant tries to stick a needle into my arm and makes an old joke about how i must not be afraid of needles since i have so many tattoos – and then they will chuckle and i will try and force a smile that says to them that their joke was original and hilarious and inside i am laughing laughing so hard my ribs are shaking and my hands are shaking and they will tell me to be still and to not worry about the procedure as they poke and swim the needle around in my arm looking for a vein. i’ll tell them it has nothing to do with them because i always shake and i’ve had this shit done at least a hundred and five times and i’ve had better and i’ve had worse that left me all bruised and bandaged like the victim i just was.

finally they will find the spot and i always love watching them fill the tubes up and it will remind me of being fifteen years old again on lithium and i’m too young to know how it feels to be in a constant walking coma from so many drugs that are supposed to be helping me but are really just alienating me from my peers and kicking me in the face while telling me how different and fucking retarded/crazy i am and how it’s okay for the teachers and other students to laugh at me and mock self-mutilation while i’m trying so hard to shut my mind up and i really have no patience for them so naturally i explode and scream and cry really loud and get asked to leave school because they have no patience for me either.

what gives me these dreams that have me waking up talking to myself or to some leftover nightmare friend? it’s strange. but kind of weird and fun.

i want him to change my medication. this isn’t working any more. but i’m scared that something else might hurt. that i will have to go back to hurting even worse. maybe we’ll just alter. maybe in the past six weeks they’ve come out with the miracle pill. probably not.  but okay.

i can’t wait until this mood lifts. spending weeks inside of it’s mouth while it is chewing on my spirit.

i guess we will see.

happy halloween guys. 🙂

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/10/31.

Posted in october13
Tags: bipolar disorder, bullies, crying, depression, eating disorders, happiness, insomnia, isolation, love, medications, mental illness, nightmares, psychiatrist, therapy