me and october 28. 2013
on nights like this i feel sorry for myself just a little and get scared about where my mind is dragging itself off to and i have all these things that i wonder about like what if i wake up tomorrow and my brain has completely broken from years and years of psychotropic medications and a few suicide attempt/drug overdoses. i already feel like there has been damage done and what if it just stops completely? will i be aware of myself enough to crawl somewhere for help or will somebody find me in a few days or week and i can’t even move because of the madness?
i remember when i was younger and not expecting to ever live this long because i couldn’t imagine have to endure the absolute torture that was horrible determined depression. i didn’t expect to live to 18 then 21, then 25, and certainly not to 30. and everything i did/or do just exasperated the problem. it scratched the itch with a long sharp yellow fingernail and refused to let it heal and here i am now just a goddamn wound that will never be given a chance to close and i am already infected and the infection smells and makes everything beautiful around it just stare with sympathy before the heads bow and they wait for it to pass so it can quickly be forgotten about.
i’ve crawled way too far into my own head over the last week and i don’t feel like the medications are doing anything anymore.
i feel a restless and sad feeling there. there is just something wrong.
it’s getting harder to feel like i can confide in people. and that’s my fault.
so i just say it all here. everything i feel like i can. once it is up here it can never truly go away and a bunch of people i have never met can understand and it means a lot to me but sometimes i wish there was somebody i could just fucking hug for about twenty minutes and i would know it is sincere and it wouldn’t solve any problems but it would just be nice.
alltheavenueslookugly 
I would hug you so much, all the time, every single day. You know I would. ❤ ❤ ❤
i do know that. you are wonderful. ❤
Hey soldier- I wrote a poem today. Not many people would understand it I’m sure, but I know you would, and, you’re one of the reasons I wrote it. I suppose it’s a way of saying thank you for your courage. It hurts to share deep parts of oneself- so thank you. (And I hope you enjoy it! It’s over at my place.) xo
Reach out for the help Sean. About your meds and how you are feeling.
You’re doing a great job expressing it all here. Please carry on doing so x
i will. there’s something deep inside of me that has convinced myself that i cannot rely on anybody else and this is just my fight and my fight alone. sometimes people do a good job at reminding me how true that seems. but i have this blog, and at least that is something.
You once told me to talk to my shrink and get the meds straightened out, now it is your turn my friend. There is something in you that doesn’t want to give up and that is wonderful, I would hug you so tight if I was there, sometimes that is what we desperately need and yet we do everything in our power to push people away. You are doing a great job expressing yourself, I agree you should keep it up 🙂 xoxo
it’s time to take my own advice, huh? 🙂 you are right though. i’m going in on monday, so hopefully we can figure something out then. thanks for all your kind words. you’ve been so nice to me. please take care. 🙂