me and october 24. 2013 – to keep my brain busy and excited
tired tired and tired of trying to explain sorrow and the smell of it and the signals are all wacky and now i can imagine that i am free and there are lights and banjos and happy people w/happy faces and they are all hugging me and we are all happy and we live in some giant fucking happy place where i have forgotten everything and everybody and nobody listens to nickelback and i am just like a child again because i don’t know what it feels like to hurt w/every bit of my soul and i can do amazing things like ride a bicycle and pedal w/my eyes or can run for miles and miles without growing tired and sing complete songs but do it in french or even spanish – i can outrun horses and cheetahs and super fast cars and in this place the weather is always cloudy but that kind of cloudy where it is cloudy enough to block out the heat of the sun but not so cloudy that it bothers any of us and when i start feeling the sad again when i start to remember what it is like to not want to live anymore there is
a zap. a zap. a zap.
and my body is jerking around and there are bright lights that are burning my eyelids off and somebody is cutting off my blue jeans and an old weezer t-shirt and i am nude and there is a crowd around me watching w/worried eyes and mouths open like they are trying to talk to me and maybe they are but i can’t hear a thing – i just know that i don’t know what to think right now and i have no idea that in a few short hours when i wake up again with tubes crawling out of my nose and arms and cock that i am going to be so upset and how i wish that i was off to the ground and that there would be flowers all around me
but now i am sleeping again and now it is years later and i am sitting on my couch in a dark apartment tonight and i am growing warm and need a ceiling fan and i am wishing i could be there again in that place where everything is okay and where there are banjos and happy people w/the happy faces but now i am stuck sitting on my couch in a dark apartment just repeating myself etc. etc.
i’d love some cake or maybe a peanut butter cookie and i have netflix and a million things i can watch but i am pleased to be writing tonight even if it’s just about dreams or fantasies about psychiatrist stories and therapist wisdom and being happy blah blah blah
stop stop. tired.
~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/10/23.
Posted in october13
Tags: bipolar disorder, crying, depression, electroshock therapy, guilt, happiness, hating self, insomnia, isolation, love, mental illness, nightmares, posts about suicide, therapy
alltheavenueslookugly 
You know, some people would consider this poetry. :0) There’s this free association thing going on that I admire- no matter what- you say what you feel. In the land of “plastic people” (today’s society- especially online where marshmallow puffiness is the common way of communicating) I appreciate the shocking truth here at your place, and, with you in general. I think you’re more real than anybody I know because you refuse to buy into the “sparkly crap” that this world is always trying to sell. I don’t blame you for being sad- because when you finally see what it really is- it strips away the naivety and it’s like a cold glass of “this is what’s in store for you- lots and lots more of this!”. And who wants to drink THAT? I understand the feelings of not wanting to go on with it- I’ve battled that for more than half of my life- but we have to, eh? And for what it’s worth, I think you’re a terribly strong person for sharing deep parts of yourself like you do. I know hundreds of scared people who are “always happy”. You’re always sad- but you’ve got more guts than most of them. You see yourself- and that can be a frightening thing. I hope you find peace tonight, and I wish I could send you a ceiling fan! I’m doing good to have these beans. xo
i am absolutely horrible when it comes to compliments, but just know that it means so much – and thank you for understanding exactly what i am trying to do, exactly why i am writing this. i am certainly not anti-hope, but when somebody has no hope whatsoever sometimes it is better to know there are people that are right there next to you.
thank you thank you.
Sometimes I indulge in a fantasy.
I crawl into a hospital and never come out. Shove what’s left of my brain in a jar. Sleep.
No more me – just a body I don’t even have to feed. Let other people take me over completely.
And rest until I dissolve.
i know that fantasy very well. often there are times when it seems easier –
sometimes it is just too much to keep dealing and i would rather just stop trying and let this shit do whatever it is going to do to me and let me get away from everyone i care about, isolate myself, and just let go.
sometimes it seems exciting to not have to feel at all.
Empathy is one of the most challenging parts of living, but it seems to pour out of you with such ease and honesty. Your insight leaves me in awe, and your kindness and talent shine through all of this shit so clearly that I know one day you will find some sort of peace.
Thank you for lighting a spark for the rest if us.
You’re openness helps me to realise that I am not alone. Peace and love
i really appreciate it. i am glad i am able to help you realize that. as much as we all feel it – we’re never really completely alone. even if we are surrounded by strangers who can do no more than offer a hug and a word of understanding. thank you for reading and take care. 🙂
You’re welcome and you take care as well!! : )
Love this post.
You have dreams. That’s good.
there are most nights when i wish to everything that i wouldn’t dream, but then every now and then i will have those that are good dreams and i can enjoy them and feel okay if only for a few hours. i wish they would come more often.