me and october 04. 2013 – early morning

if i wake up quick enough i can write it all down and then i can remember it more like a movie instead of a pile of photos that aren’t even in order and now somebody is shaking me. i wake up from a nightmare while i am still inside a dream and i don’t recognize this person but they look scared and tell me it was awful to have watched it. i’m still there but i am on my couch. i am starving it all away and my teeth are crumbling slowly from my mouth and i close my eyes again and

i’m here.

i see a coffee table a television a bookshelf and a table covered in medication bottles and unfinished crossword puzzles.

this place is so cold. my feet are frozen ice skin boots.

i’ve been here before but i might have been drunk. or ambien zombie from years ago when it used to hate me.

i see a refrigerator full of craft beer tomatoes and condiments.

i think the neighbors can see me.

i have pajama bottoms on.

i’m dreaming about her. it’s always her with a different expression on a different face with different hands and i am back in bed and trying to remember all her disguises.

there is a cock that is just another useless appendage but my hands can still work and hold your hair.

somebody is still shaking me. they are still worried that i would never wake up. they tell me they are frightened and cannot watch this any longer. and again i go to my couch. my teeth are still shattering and i am swallowing half of the damage and letting the rest of it fall out of my mouth and onto the floor.

but i am not cutting myself. i am not burning myself. i am not eating razor blades or giving my wrists carpet burns.

i have this blog that some people read. i have pens resting behind my ears and an unlit cigarette being squeezed to death between my teeth. i’m sitting here trying to explain details that left just a couple of minutes ago but are far far away by now.

i need to wake up faster and then you’ll understand after i understand and then it will be like a movie and not like stupid photographs.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/10/04.

7 Responses to “me and october 04. 2013 – early morning”

  1. Crumbling teeth is my worst nightmare. Especially when you are choking on them too. Ech. Really bad. Some professional said that was to do with anxiety and worries about the future… I think all of my nightmares are to do with that though. But, OK.

    • there are many nights when i wake up after dreaming and find myself grinding my teeth so hard that they hurt and i make my head hurt as well. i think it goes hand in hand.

      • I had times where I had that too. In fact, it got that bad they said I need to do physio for it because my jaw kept tensing up and getting locked. They made a jaw guard to wear on my teeth (made a mould of my teeth and made a clear plastic guard out of it)…. But I didn’t wear it for long. Was annoying. Woopsy.

        It’s obviously tension and stuff… Wish I could help. I know it’s not easy when you go to sleep with anxiety and tension and it comes out like that in your sleep with the teeth grinding and nightmares.

        Feel good x

  2. Wow. Intense man. So much more productive than those other coping tools you mentioned.x

  3. vivid dreams taunt me constantly…if only I could have one where I’m in some sort of paradise, but when that rarely happens, the phone always rings or the dog barks….

    • yes, that happens to me also. or sometimes the dream is so wonderful that when i wake up it almost hurts because i realize it isn’t real. i think about that and wonder if that great dream was worth it. most times, it isn’t.

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