me and october 03. 2013

last week. monday.

wake up and having not had my anti-anxiety/sleep medication for the past few days i was jittery and slightly paranoid and exhausted. i confused the times of my psychiatrist and my therapist appointments and missed my therapist. he called me to his office and told me he would be leaving. now i go to therapist number four. i don’t know how they expect me to keep doing this.

doctor increases  my buspirone so that i take another pill in the morning to afternoon. now i am on 6 pills in the morning, 3 to 5 pills during the day, and 7 pills at night. but i am still feeling pretty stable. it’s hard to believe that this might just be the combination that i’ve needed and dreamed about for the last 18 years. i am still cautious, but more optimistic than i have been in a long time. if that means eating 15 pills a day for the rest of my life, then i guess that’s what i will do. until i can’t anymore.

later that day i got a call from the leader of the support group i have been attending almost every week for the past year. they have brought in a professional leader and asked the previous one to step down. part of what made this group so good for me was that it wasn’t therapy. there were no professionals or soon to be professionals nodding at you while giving you sad eyes and waiting for you to pause so they could offer up such deflated phrases like ‘you sound like you have a lot of sadness inside you,’ or ‘i don’t know you very well, but  you sound so terrific and strong,’ or even ‘i can’t imagine what it is like for you to go through this.’

no. you cannot. everyone else around me could. and they aren’t going to sit there and whisper bullshit textbook responses to my questions that aren’t meant to be answered. they aren’t going to silently judge me on the way i deal with my illnesses because they have all had the same questions and similar shitty and unhealthy ways to make it through the day.

fuck me.

i tried not to be upset and i did go to group last thursday. i made it through about thirty minutes before i walked out. and i just don’t know if i can go back. the whole balance and charm of the group is being kicked in the face. it sucks. i’m sad about this. i met some amazing people there and formed a couple of good relationships. maybe in a few weeks i’ll try again. maybe not.

maybe i’m just tired of these good things going away. maybe i’m just tired of switching therapists and having to explain my whole story to them and getting comfortable with somebody else. ugh.

but, at least my medications are okay right now. if they weren’t, this would be a lot more difficult. this would be bad for me.


vent over.


on another note – i put a link up at the top to a pretty decent reference guide to the medications that we take. it’s probably not totally complete, but it does have some good info about usual doses and intensity of side-effects. it’s important that those of us taking these medications know what we are taking and what it is supposed to do. so check it out.


always. thank you.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/10/03.

4 Responses to “me and october 03. 2013”

  1. I find my self help group more useful for the same reasons.

    Try this:

    • hey there, i appreciate the recommendation. i did check it out and she has some really good advice on there. i’m following both of you now.
      thanks for reading. 🙂

      • Pleasure! God speed through the maze. Tell you what I’m finding helpful right now, I set up a private group for my self help group where we share things like a link to your blog and just ‘I’m feeling shitty’/’less shitty’! It really keeps the conversation between meetings going and helps us learn about each other. Does yours have one?x

      • no, we don’t unfortunately. it’s difficult because there are only a couple of us who go on a regular basis. there are new people every week and the attendance can fluctuate from 4 or 5 people to over twenty. i like that idea though.

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