me and september 22. 2013
you have no idea.
i spent the better part of three weeks pointed toward a vacation from life and living how the other people live – and catching a glimpse of what life looks like when all the avenues are not looking fucking ugly and there is a patience and reason for normal life. there is a heartbeat that doesn’t feel like it is forced and the smiles are carried around in a beautiful yellow bag and i could paste them to my mouth at any time and they wouldn’t have felt fake. i was almost like you guys. i was almost able to go to sleep and know your world.
and i was an idiot. one stupid decision that absolutely destroyed whatever little bit of happiness that had been nipping at my heels.
hey whiskey, fuck you.
and i would wake up the next morning with no hangover but an absolute dreadful feeling that pulled it’s fingernails down the side of my face and left me shivering underneath a blanket with no ability to discuss life with other people and an overwhelming hatred of myself for about sixty different reasons. i discovered that now i am not able to leave myself. alcohol used to give me a break – a few hours of happy peace that kept silent the nagging and the disgust. but now i’ve realized that for any moment of peace that i am allowed –
there is a goddamn payback that is not worth it.
there is a sadness that cannot be described and a despair that cannot be challenged.
i look up symptoms of ‘complete melt down of life.’
there was no relief. i watched movies and wished i could be anybody but myself. anybody but the person i was. another person that wasn’t me that was buried beneath a blanket and unfortunately feeling like i deserved this. how dare i try and ask for a few minutes that didn’t involve the word ‘suicide’ lit up in blue buzzing neon letters on an old brick building? how dare i wish i could be normal?
i am hating myself more and more each day if that is even possible. my mind wanders. i think about the people that have left my behind and those i have left behind. i miss my dog so much but no she is better staying with somebody that can take care of her. i miss wanting things. i miss you and the girl that used to make everything better. i miss you molly, and your beautiful laugh and the way you could hug me and make things quiet and beautiful and make a tomb seem a thousand miles away. i miss you so much.
i look up symptoms of ‘anorexia nervosa’
and look at myself and i’ve lost 30 pounds and i cannot see it at all. i still see that sad overweight boy that will never be thin enough even when my pants are falling down to my ankles and i just won’t eat at all if it makes you all quiet. how do you lose 30 pounds and not notice, you ask? this is how body dysmorphic disorder works. this is how your mind can look at yourself in a mirror and think of throwing up every time you look at yourself. if you lose weight it doesn’t matter. if you lose 5 pounds or 50 pounds. you’ll never notice. your clothes will hang off of you and this is only because they happened to extend in size while you were sleeping. i’m still as fat as i was two months ago. it’s bullshit. i know that. everyone tells me how good i look. i know it’s happened. there is so much more to lose. ugh. i hate this. i hate that this is just another thing i have to fucking deal with. i’ll lose a hundred pounds and not notice a goddamn difference. so there.
these are bitter words and bitter poems.
these are just life and here you go.
alltheavenueslookugly 
I truly wish I had words that could offer some relief. I do understand you though- very well. BDD or any other type of psychological disorder cannot be explained, not really, it’s like a conversion disorder sort of (a fancy way that doctors tell you “it’s all in your head”). But it IS, you know? I have been biting the sides of my tongue again- not for a few minutes- for 10 and 12 hours at a stretch- for days and weeks and weeks now. (I have “root shock” now and my TMJ has caused my jaws to lock up- it’s pretty painful- it hurts to chew.) I’m not satisfied until my tongue is bleeding and swollen and liitle “ouch” signals are being sent out but received as pleasure, so I continue the cycle to “scratch that itch”. I’m convinced it’s a form of OCD. (I was plagued with that during childhood.) If I stop biting and ripping off my tastebuds- the “head chatter” gets so loud and ugly- there’s no where to put it. I feel you, brother! I do know this though- after one solid week or so, without doing it- it gets much easier to control. It’s just STOPPING, you know?
Sigh. Well, glad I could make you feel better…heheh… I would totally hang out with you and “be weird together” if it were possible. You’re alright in my book. 😉 Hope your night isn’t entirely ugly. xo
you absolutely know how it is, and that makes me sad. it makes me sad that anybody else has to know what this is like.
i’ve gotten to a point where i have a calorie counter app on my phone and i am obsessive about making sure i don’t pass a certain amount.
there are days that i would rather starve than have another person tell me how fat i have gotten.
hugs to you.
Man…I had this whole awesome reply about how you were like a soft shelled crab with yummy insides (meaning your “soft heart”) and all kinds of other flattering compliments but I moved my mouse and it went POOF. (Grrr….) Well, you’re kind of like a soft shelled crab. No…it doesn’t have the same effect now. Dang. Anyway, I was going to also tell you that I thought your were pretty smart too…but…soft shelled crabs aren’t like…super smart I don’t think.
K. I’m going to watch my crime shows! I like watching them when I’m angry or depressed (in general). Wonder what a psychologist would say about that one…heheh… have a good one! xo
best comment ever. it made me smile. 🙂
Its been awhile since I have been around blogs so I am catching up on my reading slowly 😦
I am kind of lost for words here, although I know no words are going to alter or change the way your feeling right now.
I offer you massive cyber hugs from the land down under, and hope that somehow you find the mirror to look in that reflects the strong happy person the beautiful you that is looking out rather than the reflection your currently seeing and have been looking back at for so long.
Fat skinny old young, in reality it dosnt matter, we all find the same destiny in the end, again useless words to be hearing or reading, but at the end of the day the way we appear on the outside is not always the person we are on the inside, as they say looks are skin deep ugly is to the bone.
Hugs always
Angel
hey there, thank you. it’s sure been awhile. hope all is well with you.
it’s horrible and i wish i didn’t care how others viewed me and maybe i wouldn’t if they didn’t insist on telling me. no matter how old some people get they refuse to remember manners.
oh well. 🙂
Just letting you know I’m still reading and, though in another place now, have lived exactly where you are living right now. Hugs to you.
hugs back to you. thanks for hanging in there with me. 🙂
Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one…although I too shudder at the thought of others going through this pain. Just thought I would let you know how much we have in common: I have lost over 50 pounds and although everyone is telling me I look great I almost hate it when they do because I don’t believe them, it’s weird it makes me feel worse. I have a little notebook where I write down everything I eat to the point of obsession now and just feel anxiety every time I write something down no matter what it is. I also used to get some relief from alcohol but lately have had that terrible reaction the next day to the point where I am pretty sure the world is coming to an end. Staying in my meds but don’t think they are doing much at all. The last time I told my psychiatrist I felt I was getting worse he just upped my meds more 😦 Reading fiction used to be a vacation from pain for me when I could really get into the story, submerge myself into it until I was no longer me but I can’t seem to concentrate lately well enough so I watch tv and if something is amazing I can lose myself for a few moments. Right now sleep is my best friend unless I dream of all the frustration and pain. I try so hard to fake being in a good mood to make those around me comfortable but the mask always ends up slipping and the ground looms….thank you so much for keeping up your blog I haven’t written in a while now, I just can’t.
patti – that’s why we do these blogs, right? to teach others but to also let each other we aren’t alone. i have the most awful body issues, and it’s something i am afraid i will never be able to let go. it’s sad. every time i read about body issues, they only really talk about women – as if it is something that never affects men.
if your meds are doing nothing, please tell your doctor. it’s taking me almost 18 years to find a combination that ‘might’ be working. i know that frustration. but you can make it through that.
and that mask will always slip down. they can only stay up for so long. 🙂