alltheavenueslookugly

i’m not sure if i have been feeling a little better lately or if i have fallen so far down that i’m just not aware of how stormy it is around my eyes.

anyway – i’m feeling stable for the first time in a long time. my stability is silly because while i’m still not feeling great, i’m not really feeling worse. my depression seems to have reached a point where it has settled and is content to stay there for the time being. where it is now is at a manageable spot for me. all the thoughts are still there. the sadness is still there. the heavy eyes and fleeting thoughts about the word suicide. the dread and shitty appetite. it’s all still there. it just looks a little less sad than normal. i have no idea how long this might last, but i will take anything i can get.

i don’t want to jinx myself.

i want to believe that maybe – just maybe – i’ve finally found a medicine cocktail that works for me. for now. but i’ve been excited about that idea before. many many many times. it just makes the inevitable crash hurt so much worse.

for now i just have to worry about my dreams and keeping myself balanced.

i might try and break my face with a smile.

but i am going to be careful. i can’t allow myself to get too excited about this.  i feel like i can acknowledge and appreciate this time for what it is. i can use it to try and get the things that i need to accomplish done. i can try and read the books i want. i can try and write more. maybe i can find a way to go out and socialize a bit. so much to do and no idea of how long i have to do it. i really hope this isn’t the calm before the upward fall into some fucked up manic state, but i won’t worry about that now. for now i am stable. enjoy this shit for a minute, sean.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/09/11.

Posted in september13
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, dreams, eating disorders, happiness, insomnia, medications, nightmares, posts about suicide