me and august 07. 2013

it’s just been a shit day and i feel the need to vomit this all away before it builds up too much and i find myself looking for something sharp and slashing at my arms and legs in an attempt to quiet the sounds –

that or drinking. drinking so much that i can’t even recognize my own face in the mirror.

the noise that silence makes is deafening inside my head and if i had ears in there i can’t imagine the beating they would have taken over the years with the voices and the pressure and maybe they would have exploded long ago and now they would be just a couple of useless shallow caves that did nothing but provide a shelter for unbearable echoes and that is why these noises are so goddamn loud.

loud loud loud.

i’m beginning to see more and more my life unravel – slowly, but it’s coming and it scares me because i imagine that any day i could completely lose it like i have done so many times before and maybe this next time i won’t get better – next time the mind completely shuts off and refuses to go another round and i become one of those people that you see wandering aimlessly around downtown with no idea who they are or could have once been –

this is my nightmare. and there is nothing that can make me feel better about this possibility. i really try hard to not think about it, but the worst thing a person like me can do is try not to think of something if i don’t want it to completely blanket every other thought that might arrive.

i see my psychiatrist on monday and i plan to talk to him about helping me approach the therapist. so much time has gone by that i just don’t feel comfortable calling him (therapist guy) and trying to explain why i dodged his calls weeks ago. i may not even be allowed to see him or anyone else any more and if that is so then i have nobody to blame but myself.

until then i will keep my television on and keep repeating the same funny movies that make me smile but more importantly help keep the noises in my head down.

the best times of my day are when my mind takes a much needed rest and i am given a glimpse at what it feels like to feel something other than the way i always – and have always felt – and it is beautiful when it is there.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/08/07.

10 Responses to “me and august 07. 2013”

  1. Thinking of you, sending lots of hugs and support your way.

  2. Any way to spend some time with people, sorry if that’s a dumb question in your situation, but I have found that when I force myself to be with people it quiets my inner turmoil,,,,good luck with the therapist and keep reaching out here, you are not alone my friend

    • i do try and force myself sometimes to be social – but often it is just too hard. since i was a kid i always hated being around people when i was feeling bad because i didn’t want to bring them down. that was well before i learned how to act like i was doing fine. sometimes i am able to act, and sometimes i just can’t.

      • I can totally relate to that, I avoid people constantly because I don’t want to bring them down and it’s just too hard to try to keep up a happy façade when I’m dying inside. But I have found that there are a few precious people whom you can be yourself with, no acting and even short bursts of talking to these people can be so therapeutic. All I know for sure is that the longer I remain completely alone the worse my fears and depression gets. I’m talking about depression so bad that water hurts 😦 And yet I feel hope, the more I work at it the more hope I feel. Feel free to talk to me anytime my friend, believe me you can be yourself 🙂

  3. Hug.

  4. *hugs*

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