me and july 25. 2013

i’ve noticed myself going in both directions – even with the long periods of sedation throughout my day there are those times when i am fully aware of everything and i don’t seem to be hurting as bad. but the anxiety will erupt and once i take the atarax and my mind begins to get sleepy and there is no energy in there for it to be sad or anxious.

but i’ve found myself growing more distant from everything and everybody. i work and go home and then i get beneath the covers and just turn myself off. i’ll lose myself in whatever requires me not to think. i’ll try and fight through the hunger pains so i can stop looking so gross. i’ll write and write and then erase and erase and frown and smoke and sometimes cry.

i saved the message from the new therapist on my phone. sometimes i’ll replay it and think about calling him to set up an appointment. i want to, but just can’t. i don’t know why. i really need to. i need to talk about all of this with somebody. somebody who can remind me that sometimes i am just being ridiculous and that sometimes it is perfectly okay for me to feel the way i feel.

i’ve been taking my medication like i should be. i haven’t had a drink in eleven days. i’m sure my skin looks better and my eyes.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/07/25.

8 Responses to “me and july 25. 2013”

  1. 11 days is so good CONGRATS! Do you think setting up and going on the appointment in and of itself will be an accomplishment that will be positive as far as how you feel about yourself and things? I’m a believer in positive psychology (as a therapeutic way of life) and I know for me any little bit helps. Just getting up and doing something when it’s the last thing I want to do (well, I don’t want to anything) often helps as I’m moving forward. Sorry you’ve been feeling glum. On your list of activities for me smoking would be first on the list haha

    • i do think calling him would be a good idea and i’m sure i would feel better once it was done. however, i think i’m just not looking forward to the idea of starting over yet again with another therapist – having to explain my past, working to build that trust, etc.
      but i know i should do this.
      thanks for the support, man.

      • I hear ya. You’re welcome. Yes in the big picture whether it’s worth the investment of time I understand. I hope in the short term it gets you putting one foot in front of the other. Good luck!.

  2. You know, you could be stuck in “pre-calculus hell” like me: I have my 5th exam today and my final, tomorrow. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and I’m a mere point from failing. if I fail this class, I get to do it all over again in January! I have no idea how I’m pulling all of this college stuff off (you know what I’ve been through in the past) but somehow, I’m doing it. I can’t let go of the hope that my story and life will be “some help” to someone else, some where and maybe in another time; maybe even after I’m gone. But you know, think about that. Your blog is very painful to read and it strikes a “real” chord within me. We’re cut from the same cloth, and that’s comforting. I know if it’s that way for me when I read your posts, it’s that way for lots of other people, and if this (blog) remains even after you’re gone, think about all of the people who will come along and be encouraged that you didn’t give up- even if your life seems so hard and sucky! You didn’t give up. That in itself is great inspiration to others. You DO make a difference in other peoples’ lives- know that, but also ACCEPT that because it’s true. Be ok with it. ;0)

    Back to pre-calculus (hell).
    Hope your day is a good one!

    • i do take a lot of comfort in knowing i might be helping others – and i know i’ve also found that comfort in reading other blogs. i plan to do this for as long as i can and hopefully things will be better someday and the story will have a happy ending. we’ll see.
      i hope your exam went well. i know you’ve also been through a lot and i admire the fact that you are doing this. take care, friend.

  3. The like is for a nod & a nudge to you to call your therapist & make the appointment. Like you say maybe talking to somebody will help.

    Take care

  4. Yep. Get that first appointment out of the way. You may really like this one and, who knows, it could be the one to make all the difference. Like your friend, I wholly believe in the power of positive psychology. I’ve seen the difference in my own life. Even just trying to train your brain into a more positive direction with reasonable expectation. It won’t be an overnight success but deep wounds don’t heal right away, especially if the scabs keep being picked at. Congratulations on the 11 days too. You are doing the best you can and you have a tremendous support system.

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