me and july 16. 2013

these are incredibly lonely times and i feel it the most in the evening when i am by myself in my apartment and maybe i have a  movie on – for background noise to keep away the silence that is sometimes the worst thing imaginable – and i might be on my couch stretched out with my head underneath a pillow and so many millions of thoughts in my head and maybe one second i feel like crying and the next i feel like laughing hysterically and breaking everything and i imagine the crowds of people gathering below my window and pointing up and not seeing anything because i have nailed a bed sheet over the blinds to keep the light away – because believe it or not i am more comfortable in the dark and there is just the blue glow of the television and maybe a candle or broken piece of incense and nobody can see inside and this makes me feel better and i wish they would all just go away and stop expecting something beautiful from me.

is my mind just too beaten and scarred and exhausted to ever get better?

because that’s what it feels like almost every single day. every day that i have to fight and fight just to keep from giving up and i don’t even really understand why i am fighting so hard anymore. i used to do it because i had hope. now i think i do it just because i don’t know anything else. this is just routine at this point, and there is no real long-term goal anymore.

what i do know is that if i don’t fight this hard i will die. if i stop to breathe, to sit down, to take any sort of a rest, then i will die.

sometimes i have a dream.

i can’t have it too often because i usually don’t sleep long enough for it to really begin. my dreams aren’t much of anything anymore, because the sleep is all over the place. there is not enough time for a good dream to occur, but there is plenty of time for a quick nightmare or two.

in this dream i am a child again and there is no sadness and no depression and no harming myself or praying to god to let me fall asleep and never wake up. i watch movies and read comic books and ride my bike. there is no crying without a good reason and no only quick glances in the mirror because i cannot stand to see myself and how disgusting i look and no pills to just maybe feel better. there is an excitement about the future. there is no crippling anxiety. there is a peace. there is no guilt or shame or delusions or voices or hallucinations or anorexia plans or alcohol binges to try and keep from losing what last little bit of mind i have left. there is a goddamn calm. and i start to think that maybe this is what death would be like. just the most overwhelming calm i could ever imagine.

and then i wake –

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/07/16.

8 Responses to “me and july 16. 2013”

  1. Maybe your dream is your goal. To be free of anxiety & any other problems you deal with. You can’t go back in time, but maybe you can use your dream to help fight your way out of the horrible place you’re in right now.

    Take care

  2. I just wanted to write to let you know you’re not alone. Most of the time I wonder if my mind is also just too beaten, scarred, and exhausted to ever get better. I used to be a very vivid dreamer and loved to dream because it was an escape for me. Now if I dream, I dream only in black and white and they usually reflect how I feel about myself during my waking hours. Insecure, alone, rejected, depressed, and anxious. The one thing that does keep me going is that I truly believe that God has a purpose for my life no matter how dismal and hopeless it may look to me at the moment. He has a purpose for your life too. I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you will experience wellness and remission from your illness. So, hang on! I believe you will are going to see better days ahead. 🙂

  3. You are so not alone! So much of what you described is my day as well. When I was reading about your dream I couldn’t help but think of an innocent child who sees the future as wonderful and hopeful…I remember and sometimes dream about these times too. There is always hope my friend, I believe that is why we keep up the good fight. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone 🙂

    • one of the best things to come out of blogging has been that i am constantly reminded that i am not alone. i am so glad that i can do that for you also. 🙂

      • I wonder the same everyday. You aren’t alone. I want to see the light so bad it hurts, thriving in the dark is tiresome. Years of decades of darkness, anxiety and sadness. After time you wonder what’s it worth. Anything but a wasted life . . . You are bright, and have a beautiful soul. If only we could see how we truly shine. That beautiful little light . . . Friend you gotta keep it burning. Burn bright. Warmly, Applejaxe 😉

        • thank you so much. it’s such a struggle that we face and i think it’s only natural for us to eventually question just why the hell we keep going on.
          i hope you are doing okay. take care. 🙂

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