alltheavenueslookugly

new medication regimen:

450 mg of wellbutrin (antidepressant)

600 mg of trileptal (mood stabilizer)

100-400 mg of hydroxyzine (for anxiety and sleep)

saw my doctor last friday and he took me completely off the tegretol. we raised my wellbutrin even with his concerns about the possible seizure activity. i told him i didn’t give a shit about that and would be willing to take the chance. he replaced my tegretol with trileptal. i’ve been on it before but cannot remember anything about what it might have done to me. i told him my anxiety has been ridiculous high the past few weeks and he is having me take 1-2 pills of the hydroxyzine every 6 hours to help with it. then i am to take 2-3 of them to help me sleep. so far there is no change to speak of – although the anxiety drugs have helped to sedate me throughout the day.

i really miss the adderall and the comfort it brought me. this doctor absolutely refuses to prescribe me any sort of amphetamine. i guess i don’t blame him.

i met with a new therapist a couple of weeks ago. she told me to come see her and see how i felt afterward. if i felt comfortable i could come back to her. if i didn’t, she would refer me to one of the male therapists up there. i saw her and immediately liked her way more than my last one. she seemed to just kind of get what i was talking about without requiring me to explain everything every time. she also spoke more like we were just having a conversation – not as if she was analyzing me and sitting in that ‘therapist chair.’ she was very sweet. i called her back to see if i could continue seeing her and she told me she had just put in her resignation and had to return home to england to deal with some family affairs.

well, fuck.

she wished me well and i was told i was being passed on to a nice guy that my original therapist thought i would respond well to. i was told he should be contacting me soon, and hopefully i can continue with the CBT that i started with the previous lady.

it’s just been rough lately and i am in such a sad and hopeless spot right now. i just want it to end. i just feel so old and exhausted. i’m feeling that fatigue that comes with fighting for my life every single day for twenty years. i don’t want to have to keep this up.

i’ve had fantasies of just locking the door to my apartment and never leaving. i don’t know what would kill me first – if i would starve or my mind would eventually shut down on it’s own,  but i would be alone and not bothering anybody – just as it should be. i can have movie marathons and talk only to my hallucinations. i can write and read and chain-smoke and sing to myself and just die quietly.

sometimes it’s nice to think about. sometimes it helps. sometimes it is comforting to know my options.

i’m trying not to isolate myself.

i’m trying to keep my relationship with the world.

i’m trying to stay positive.

i haven’t cut myself since last september, but i would be lying if i said i hadn’t thought about just how fucking good that would feel right now.

for now, i will continue with watching episodic television, working, writing and reading and doing jigsaw puzzles and playing that stupid candy crush game on my phone. anything to keep my mind from becoming bored and turning on itself.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/07/02.

Posted in july13
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, electroshock therapy, guilt, hating self, insomnia, medications, mental illness, rapid cycling, self harm