me and june 22. 2013

i’m just one more ‘are you okay?’ from completely losing it. maybe i will explode and then i can feel better and without guilt and if the pieces of me are small enough then there won’t really be any mess that must be cleaned up.

i feel like every day is becoming just another repeat of the day before and the day before that and when my mood refuses to improve it really tires me out. imagine having such a weight to carry – all day and every day and to  not be given a break or a chance to smile and relax. it’s taking it’s toll on me. this act is growing old.  i can feel it. i can’t escape this, and it cannot escape me. i’m destroyed. there is no going back. even if i were to find some miracle drug tomorrow that made me begin to feel happy…

would i know what happy felt like? have i ever felt as much happiness as i am allowed to feel?

has there been too much damage to my mind and body already?

i’m only 32 years old and i cannot imagine how completely drained i would feel if i lived to be 50 or 60. i wonder if i have that much fight left in me. it becomes harder and harder for me to watch the world around me and to see these smiles and hear these laughs and watch people hug and kiss and fight and make up and think of them washing dishes together or making love or watching reality television together…

and i just feel myself slipping away from the rest of the world. not by any choice, but because i just don’t feel like i can keep up any more.

i have more that i want to do. i know this. i hope that i can.

 

i finally reached my breaking point with the tegretol – called my doctor and begged to be taken off of it. the nurse had me reduce my dose down to 200 mg only at night and i will meet with him on the 28th. hopefully i will be done with it, and then it’s off to try something else.

imagine what this all does to my head.

imagine how many drugs it takes – or could take – to keep me up and walking.

imagine how much i wish i could just tear my body apart and start with something new that isn’t so old and hideous and covered in shame.

 

and in two minutes i might wonder why i felt so horrible only two short minutes ago.

fuck, i just wish i could vanish and leave the mind behind.

i can’t. so i’ll just complain for awhile.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/06/22.

9 Responses to “me and june 22. 2013”

  1. Thinking of you…just so you know when you reach 50 you start to realize that the road to the grave is a lot shorter than when you where 32. That alone takes some of the pressure off and you start to relax just a bit. You realize I’m never going to be normal, but what is normal anyway? You stop trying to fit into someone else’s mold and start finding things to like about who you are. Is life better, that depends on the day and my frame of mind. But I don’t hate myself as much as I once did and on occasion I even like myself a bit. Hang in there. 🙂

    • this actually makes a lot of sense, and does something to help soothe me.

      i’ve thought a lot about my ‘normal,’ and while i don’t necessarily want to be like everybody else, there are just those few things that i know i will never have that i wish i could.

      i hope you are doing well. 🙂

      • Hanging in there I am. In the words of Morticia Addams, “What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.” 😉 Take care.

  2. My boyfriend’s taking Zoloft.. Not sure about Prozac.. Hmmm, my heart saddens whenever I hear someone battling against that disorder. But I know that I should not show that to my boyfriend or to somebody else who’s experiencing it. What I can give are hope, encouragement and care.

    Please stay strong despite that difficult journey. Take care!

    Jeannie

  3. In my session on Friday my case manager asked me to imagine 48 hours of just an average life, not normal but that most other people experience. I looked at her and told her it’s not possible. I can never remember having 48 consecutive hours of an average life or living like the average person. I could try to piece together moments and maybe even a few hours of somewhat average life- or how I think it is. But I have no frame of reference. She likened it to her imagining what it is like to go into space, and no gravity and all that with no prior experience it would be difficult to imagine.
    I know life can seem like a repeat of every day before. But try to remember that (at least for me) nothing stays to consistent for long. While aspects of hypomania, mixed states, or mild psychosis aren’t really great to experience it breaks things up a little.

    • that is the absolute best comparison i have heard. i am definitely stealing that one.

      and i am with you on that one. recently a friend asked me about happiness and i told her that i’m not sure that i would even know what being happy felt like. such a strange concept.

      • I liked the comparison as well, hopefully while using it someone might be able to understand how foreign certain concepts are to us.
        I hope you’re feeling better today.

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