me and june 05. 2013

summer is here in houston, which is easily my least favorite time of the year. i know that a lot of people find themselves becoming more depressed in the late fall/winter, but it’s the summer that i just despise.

i am off of the lamictal and have been on the tegretol for a couple weeks now. it’s an absolutely shitty medicine for me, for i’m determined to keep on and hopefully the side effects will go away. the main one  – the one that is just fucking with my head – is that it makes me groggy at various times of the day. i take 200 mg in the morning and sporadically throughout the day i will find myself with a heavy head, heavy eyelids, and occasionally nodding off. it’s hard for me to bitch about sleeping too much since my previous insomnia was killing me – but this is a horrible sleep. a haunted sleep. i find myself dreaming about things i haven’t thought about in years, things i would rather forget, and people that it hurts me to think about.

in some of these dreams i am back in austin state hospital and i am screaming. i am stuck in that goddamn black room and i am screaming.

in some of those dreams i dream about her and it is lovely and amazing and it hurts my heart so badly when i wake up and realize it wasn’t real.

i have cut ties with my former therapist – and am told that they are going to pass my case off to another who should be contacting me soon. we’ll see how it goes with the new one. it’s so important for me to feel comfortable, and unfortunately the tiniest little thing can absolutely destroy that comfort. i’m not looking forward to having to explain my whole history again – i have actually considered writing just a few pages and titling it ‘Why Sean is how he is,’ and just handing it over to every new therapist and doctor and saving myself a lot of headache.

i’ve moved out into an apartment by myself – the first time i have lived alone since 2003.

the last time i did so i found myself scared and lonely and i dropped tons of weight because of both my medication at the time and my new-found love of cocaine. by the end of the 7 or 8 months i lived alone i had attempted suicide twice – the second one being the time that prompted my doctor to tell me i was no longer allowed to live by myself and i had to move in with my brother.

i really want to make this work this time. i feel like i am getting too old to be scared to be alone. in every sort of way. i have accepted a certain degree of loneliness over time as part of my illness and the less bothersome to people i am the better i feel. i know we all need help, and we all need somebody at some time. whatever, right?

i am trying to be inspired before i run out of time. there is still so much i would like to do.

i feel alone and tired of dealing with things.

hugs and kisses to you great people who keep reading.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/06/05.

12 Responses to “me and june 05. 2013”

  1. Just a throwaway few words here, Sean – I just wanted you to know that even though I rarely comment, but I still always read. I’m sorry things are shit at the minute. Thinking of you, sir.

    Take care

    Karen xxx

    • thank you, karen. really, i’m totally fine with people just reading. i never know what to say on people’s blogs that doesn’t sound insincere or redundant. hope you are doing okay.

  2. Tegretol literally triggered nightmares for me and happens to be a side affect of it.
    Sucks you are feeling the way you are, I can certainly relate.

    • ugh, yeah. it’s awful. i can’t even look forward to sleeping any more because of them. i’m sorry you are having to deal with it to. did it get any better?

      • Sadly, no. They had to take me off of it because I was scared shitless to sleep at night. Sleeping meds just locked me into the nightmares. Go figure. I then tried Lamictal. Too bad it didn’t work for you.

  3. I officially HATE meds. I am sick of it. Nothing makes you feel normal and what does, leaves you wanting to feel more… or feel less. Sick of it friend. Wish you lived close so we could drink, bullshit, curse out the meds, drink, write, drink, eat 99cent breakfast… drink. You get it.

  4. “Why Sean is how he is” I like it may need to write my own for when new people come into the treatment team.

  5. Sean, I’m so sorry that all those meds you’ve been on and off of forever have such horrible side-effects over the longterm. So interesting how each individual is different in terms of tolerating meds. I guess I’d consider myself lucky if I actually believed in “luck” that I tolerate meds extremely well. I’m inspired that you have moved to your own place and are feeling good about it! PS: I hate summer, too! xoxo

    • yeah, while it is great to see those folks who are able to find those medications that work for them, it’s also so frustrating at times to try and try different things with no good result.
      the waiting game gets so annoying at times.

      it’s nice to know that i’m not the only one to hate summer. 🙂

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