me and may 26. 2013

one month later


i’ve been tapering off the lamictal – which help caused a horrible weight gain that i really did not need at all so self-esteem is once again in the shitter – and started on tegretol. so now i am taking wellbutrin – which he said he will not  cannot raise until there are no more amphetamines left in my system. i am down to only 3 or 4 adderall and that scares me not to have that in case it is needed. for the past few years i have had it and it always makes me feel quite a bit better. but they refuse to give it to me any more because of some fucking stupid stigma that goes along with it. once again, the people that benefit from it are screwed because certain dumb people like to use it to get high.

wellbutrin, tegretol, and some crazy medicine that i don’t even remember which is supposed to help me sleep. the fact that i cannot even remember the name shows just how effective it is at doing anything.

inside my head i haven’t been especially well. it’s hard to blog when i feel this way because it’s the same thing every day. i don’t feel like writing about the same stupid depression demons but maybe i need to. maybe i should just be redundant and maybe i will catch something that i haven’t seen or thought of before. i act like writing this blog might one day save me. as if the answers are hidden somewhere in here. they could be. they could be hidden in my descriptions of dreams and visions and complete breakdowns. when i’m feeling like shit is probably the most important time to be writing this down.

i go through these periods where i really feel fucking hopeless. it’s not necessarily a suicidal down-slope, but it’s one of those times when the length of time and the intensity of every day begins to wear you down. i’m only human and i would consider myself somewhat strong for hanging in there – but like anybody who has to struggle every day it becomes exhausting. and once my mind is totally exhausted it is easy for it to go to some dark fucking places. it’s easy to recognize every last little thing that breaks my heart on a daily basis. it’s easy to want to curl up in a cloud of smoke and let somebody else worry about all of this shit.

some times i want to tattoo an order on my forehead that if anybody is to find me they are to just let me be. leave me where i am sleeping and let the world crumble down around me and if i somehow survive that then let my body and mind fail and sweep me up when i start to become too much of a mess.



~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/05/26.

6 Responses to “me and may 26. 2013”

  1. I am sad that you are hurting. I wish there was some way it could be made better for you. I am glad you are writing because i know that writing makes things change for me. At least when I am writing I am not totally ruminating. Thanks for telling me your truth

  2. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  3. It just goes to show how differently we all respond to medications. Lamictal was a life saver for me, but I have heard other horror stories from people it didn’t agree with. Interesting that they “let” you take Adderall though. My doctor/psych would never prescribe it because they said that it could chemically induce severe rapid-cycling etc…. It might be interesting to see how you go once you come off it. Perhaps it’s not the benefit you always thought it was. Thinking of you always. xo.

    • adderall was the only medication i ever felt a positive from – and rather quickly. because i was used to being so terribly down, it helped lift me up to what i assume was close to most people’s ‘normal.’ it helped me concentrate and gave me the ability to climb out of bed and actually start my day. i know of it’s addictive qualities, but it really did help me. i have not been taking them on a regular basis – trying to save them for when i most needed them, and the difference is night and day. i will be sad to lose that help.

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