me and april 14. 2013
i just survived another birthday and now i am 32 years old and you’ve caught me in one of those zoned-out stares when i am just looking stupidly at the eyes in front of me.
there is a goddamn fever. there is a goddamn sickness inside me that is never going to go away. and sometimes i am okay with that. and sometimes i am just not.
just tell me where to point my eyes and i will hang my head and there will be a wonderful exit bag* waiting for me and i can sing my songs in stupid tongues and drink it all away and hum hum the music sores and i will die with my eyes closed and my brain on standby and ready to turn off when the gases suffocate me to the point where i can’t even see those dreams that have haunted me for years and years and i am just another motel casualty in a pile of beer bottles and erotic science fiction stories –
play these songs:
and then some random others.
i don’t know. it’s all in the note. the note that looks more like a novel written by a scared fourteen year old boy who is slicing up his arms and the inside of his mouth while the world goes on around him and nobody can hear his whispers over the sound of everything else in the wind.
for all those comfortable and stable nights there will always be nights like these. nights where i cannot shut off the sorrow in my head and where i feel lonely and confused and it’s like everything i know and all that i’ve been excited for just melts from the inside and everything looks weird and lazy and upset to me –
i really don’t know why people continue to read my bullshit. please don’t pray for me because i just don’t think that will help anything. but when i am dying below a heavy blanket and ceiling fan – just know i am thinking of all of you that have smiled and patted me with imagination on my back.
thanks.night.
* exit bag: just google it
here are my missing songs that i am loving right now:
the national – conversation 16
camera obscura – razzle dazzle rose
alltheavenueslookugly 
I do feel your pain…I am in constant hope that there is something, some way to make it better.
and i do hope you find something to help you. i have tried so many things over the years and unfortunately most of what made even a little difference was either illegal or made me so sick.
keep trying and hang in there.
take care. 🙂
I wish. You. Something about something. That we lack. And time and again. The cold rolling over and. In. Just make it better. Make it end. Love. (PS – I adore the music you’re listening to right now) xo.
most wonderful warm comment ever. thank you. 🙂
yes, it’s pretty good stuff, right?
It is indeed! (I saw Local Natives live a couple years ago right after they released Gorilla Manor… supremely talented cats! They all are though.) xo.
you have comfortably secured your spot in my cool book. 🙂
This is brilliant- so honest and very readable. Happy birthday and hope all is well and I can relate too.
thank you, pete. hope all is well with you, man.
Happy Birthday my friend! 32, I have socks older than you 😉 Hang in there, you are in my thoughts.
haha. thank you very much. that made me smile.
Happy birthday, punkin! As always, I’m hugging you from a few hundred miles away… ❤
thank you, sweetie. 🙂
Belated happy bday Sean. Glad to read from you. Still hoping for recovery for all of us 🙂
X
thank you so much.
and yes, i hope for that every day.
i am so very glad to see you still around here. 🙂