me and april 01. 2013
snuggle. rustle. rinse. repeat.
here is the deal:
‘ i have every reason in the world to feel okay because the air doesn’t even smell weird tonight and in my mind i am stable and not constantly thinking about cutting myself until i’ve sliced off all of my tattoos and there is nothing but a road map of ugly zigs and zags that are etched into my arms, my legs, my fat stomach, my chest and my face. i am not thinking about the moments before an overdose fainting and i am not thinking about how i am never going to find anybody who can love me like i feel like i need to be loved.’
none of that shit.
i am concerned about the lack of sleep and the night/day terrors that come with that. i can only sleep for 2-4 hours at a time, and in that time there is absolute chaos going on inside my head and my dreams are awful and so unusual. i dream about people i love, people who used to love me, people i don’t even know and knowing people i cannot even love. these go way beyond nightmares. i can’t sleep. i can’t sleep a comfortable while.
it is horrible. and unfortunately, it is keeping me from being able to let my mind smile.
goddammit, i want to write a play or a television series that explains my visions and can make them make sense to me.
i have slacked so hard on this blog. i haven’t had time to visit anybody’s blog and i have no idea how people are doing and it makes me feel like such a selfish asshole and i really wish i could let them know that i care. to all of you who are still sticking with me – i do care. i am so sorry.
i go back to my therapist tomorrow to continue my CBT.
somewhere, deep down and hidden from all the bullshit is a small piece of hope that is dangling from one of the few areas of my heart that isn’t a mess, and i can see that and use it to help me work this CBT.
when you get this far into a crippling depression, when hope becomes this made up bullshit fantasy imaginary word…people just don’t understand how hard it is to keep going. they don’t understand how hard it is to wake yourself, get out of bed, to get into the shower, to dress yourself and give a shit how you even look, to get into your car, to back out of your driveway, to drive the miles it takes to the therapist, to sit alone in a waiting room full of other crazies – probably way crazier than you – and to spend an hour opening up your insides to another person, to leaving the office physically and mentally drained and full of other questions and possibly some relief, to get back into your car, to drive off
and then you officially start your day.
alltheavenueslookugly 
“is a small piece of hope” <<<
There ya go. :0) That hope is YOURS- it may be small, but it's yours. Nobody else can touch it. Guard it! I'm so happy for you right now. I know how hard you fight for every sliver of sanity and every smile has been bought with a very steep price. You have a great talent for spitting out the ugly truth, and making me smile. (That's right, my own present situation is such a suck-fest- YOU make me feel better!) haha….
Seriously though, this is pretty frikking funny-
"to sit alone in a waiting room full of other crazies – probably way crazier than you"
Oh my goodness, that made me double over laughing. If you've never been admitted to the Psych ward, well, I guess reading something like that might make me take pity. But having seen the other side of the rainbow (isn't that a lovely way to put it?), – actually wondering if my sanity would ever be mine again- I'm an "insider". I get it. 😉
Keep us all posted on the CBT- I have to say this: after a good decade of the crap, it actually broke through and started helping. The main thing to know is that you DO have the ultimate power to give yourself hope. You already have that. Nobody else is going to give it to you wrapped in a shiny package- be good to yourself. Hey, I'm a broken wreck too, and am just coming out of a 7 year relationship. [cue doom-music] Talk about BLACK. Yeah, these are dark days. But anyway, my whole point of writing is to tell you that I feel your pain, and somebody cares, truly. P.s. If it weren't for Ambien, I would be in deep trouble. (You're right about the no-sleep thing. Baaaad stuff.) Maybe you could talk to your doctor about it? It's the only thing that knocks me out at night. Let me know how that goes. xo
i will definitely keep you posted about the CBT. i know it is going to be a lot of work, and one thing i have learned over the past twenty years is that i cannot expect anything to work overnight. with anything, whether it be therapy or medications, i can only hope that it begins to help before i can’t do it anymore, you know?
i’ve been on ambien for a long time. and unfortunately, it stopped working. well, i just built up a crazy tolerance to it. when i stopped, i was having to take 20 mg of it for it to do anything at all. that’s way too much.
i’m sorry to hear things are rough for you right now. i’m headed over to your blog right now to see.
take care. 🙂
Wow, we have so much in common- ugh. The same thing happened to me. The doc had me on 20 mg. of Ambien per night for almost two years- it wasn’t pretty. I had to be hospitalized (as you know) after 6 days of no sleep (and massive hallucinations), but you know, even the “sanest” most “together” people hallucinate after day 4 I think? Now, I stick to ‘home remedies” mostly [said with a wink and a smile] and sometimes, the 10 mg. of Ambien actually works at night. Other times (like last night), it doesn’t,and I feel like I’m hover-floating above my body in a semi-state of consciousness (which is better than “no sleep”). I know your struggles though, at least to some extent. We take peace and sanity (in chunks, or slivers) where we can get it. As somebody said, hang in there. Mountains and valleys, you know…good days- bad days. Hope your night is a good one, and that we both get some sleep tonight..heheh.. xo
Very difficult stuff Sean. I know. Nightmares and a lack of sleep has got to be on of the worst things because it affects you mentally and physically. As we all know, sleep is SO important.
After 3 years I finally take a med that helps me sleep… However, the nightmares that have come along with it are very very bad and I can be messed up for days – so after all of my determination, I don’t know what’s best!
Anyway – don’t be tough on yourself – you are keeping us updated and we all know that you are trying your best. It’s no way an easy situation.
My thoughts are with you xx
thank you. i am always so pleased to see that you are still here and still writing and hanging in there. i admire you so much for that. 🙂
You’re last paragraph really resonated with me. Especially: “and to spend an hour opening up your insides to another person, to leave the office physically and mentally drained and full of other questions and possibly some relief”. I blogged yesterday about the constant headaches after sessions- from being drained and the bottling up whatever didn’t have time to get out, plus all the questions.
yes, exactly. it’s very tiring and i can leave therapy feeling like just spent an hour getting my head kicked in.
there are some days that that feeling isn’t quite as intense, and i do feel better, lighter, head just a tiny bit more clear.
others…not so much.
I understand.
oh, i know you do. 😉
Sometimes getting out of bed and into the shower is a miracle. Everything is relative to where we are. I wrote a post on this subject recently called “What does it feel like to be broken” Not everyone will understand or care what you are going through but there are always people out there who do. I hope you feel better soon you are in my thoughts.
it really is. people take for granted those small things that seem like nothing to most people but take a tremendous effort and one that sometimes is just not possible and most cannot understand why exactly we cannot just ‘push through it’ and make it happen.
thank you for also writing about it and helping to explain to the world just how disabling this disease can actually be.