me and march 12. 2013

i went in today to see her, and she was pleasant when she greeted me.

i had been making myself sick since this morning, because i didn’t want to have to do it. i just wanted to never go back there unless it was to grab my medication. i imagined the look on her face, the questions i didn’t care to try and explain, and she annoyance of having to start all over with somebody new.

it’s been two weeks since i saw her and she asked me how i was.

i told her i was doing fine and that i didn’t want to see her anymore.

she was surprised, and she asked me if she could ask me why.

and before i knew it, we had talked for the entire 45 minutes. she said she hadn’t meant to insist that i had been abused and she only wanted to open it up for discussion if i felt like it. she apologized for her poor timing, and at some point she told me that she was proud of me. when i asked her why, she said she knew that it was hard for me to do that. to be so honest with her even though it had made me uncomfortable. she knew my first instinct was to either not say anything at all, or just vanish. she said that she hoped that no matter what i decided, that i would be proud of myself for the progress i had made. and she told me that she would support me no matter what i decided, whether it was to keep seeing her or somebody else or to stop the therapy all together. and i believe her.

i was surprised and hadn’t expected that reaction. it did feel good to get it out, to let her know. it had been awkward for most of it, but i told her i didn’t think she was mean or that she did anything just to upset me.

she asked what i wanted to do. she asked if i wanted to sleep on it and let her know what i decided.

in the meantime, i made an appointment for next week. she said if i continued to see her that she wanted to start doing cognitive behavioral therapyย with me. it is something i’ve wanted to try for awhile, and after her and i spoke, i’ve decided to give her one more chance. she’s aware now of everything, and she also knows just how much i notice. i explained to her that all my years in therapy have made me pretty self-aware and also aware of the person i am talking to. i may continue with her, or i might decide it’s over.

so we’ll see.

it’s nice to see that i have made some progress, even if it’s just a little. i’ve learned to appreciate any battle that i might be winning. ย i’m aware of all these things that need to be fixed, and if i die tomorrow i’ll know that i at least tried.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/03/12.

3 Responses to “me and march 12. 2013”

  1. Good for you! I am glad you talked with her and you are willing to give it one more try. Small steps can take us a great distance. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Tomorrow will be maybe the 5th or 6th session I’ve had with this psychologist I’m seeing, and so far I feel more like she’s a life coach than a doctor. I have tried therapy several times, admittedly for only brief periods, and this is how I have felt about all of them. Is this the difference between seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist? I’ve never wanted meds (mainly because they terrify me) so I’ve never sought out a psychiatrist, but maybe I’m naive in thinking that when I go to these sessions I should be expecting them to actually dive deeper into my mind instead of just some trivial surface crap that really doesn’t make any difference to me one way or the other. Maybe therapy just isn’t for me. I don’t know. Am I missing something? It is quite possible that I simply watch too much TV so I have unrealistic expectations. ๐Ÿ˜›

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