alltheavenueslookugly

i am sorry that i still love you and admitting that makes me want to throw up.

i am sorry if this depression makes me too sad for you to see or talk to me anymore.

i am sorry if it makes it so that i only get a couple of good hours of sleep a night – and most times those couple of hours are plagued with nightmares and tossing and turning and everything else.

i am sorry if because of not sleeping nearly enough that i am super tired the next day or days or until my body has had enough insomnia that it just cannot move and i am irritable or dazed or full of imagination.

i am sorry that all of this shit isn’t so obvious on the outside.

i am sorry that you cannot see just how bad it is goddamn killing me on the inside.

i am sorry that i am not that attractive or skinny.

i am sorry that i just cannot snap out of this.

i am sorry that sometimes i just cannot talk to people sometimes and the idea of doing so makes me want to cry.

i am sorry that i cannot just force myself to do things that come so easily to other people.

i am sorry that i so badly want to.

i am sorry that i have to take my life day by day because trying to fantasize about later becomes an old shitty static television screen.

i am sorry that i cannot make myself as happy as you are.

i am sorry that i have to take medications for this. for damn near every thing.

i am sorry that you don’t agree that medications are helpful.

i am sorry that the ways i have chosen to cope with this aren’t exactly how you would choose to cope with something that you really have no understanding of.

speaking of that, i am sorry that while people say they understand, that understanding does have limits.

i am sorry that i don’t completely understand what is happening in my own head.

i am sorry that you don’t believe that.

and i am sorry that i am really not sorry for any of that shit. because it isn’t my fault. i’m a good person. i know i am. i wish i knew it more often.

and i am trying my fucking best.

just need to finish before i can breathe and someday it will be okay?

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/03/04.

Posted in march13
Tags: apologies, bipolar disorder, crying, depression, guilt, hating self, insomnia, love, medications, self harm