me and february 27 – major depression number two
i cough and cough and it is lodged in my throat and makes my eye-lids droopy and every muscle in my body is post-marathon exhausted.
i lose interest in everything i love to do.
most days even reading a book is like climbing a fucking mountain.
some days writing these words is a chore that just takes it out of me and is as appealing as having to mow an overgrown lawn in the middle of summer.
on good days i can read and write. i can do these things i love to do.
on bad days i can lie in my bed for hours watching television bloopers, reality cooking shows, or youtube kitties and puppies.
i don’t want to do this. i want to do things that i know deep down i really enjoy and that require even a bit more brain effort than clicking an internet link.
but on those bad days, i cannot even force myself.
alltheavenueslookugly 
I turn to tv a lot. I always have. I have always been sad, even when I was very little, and I grew up very alone, so tv was company to me. I find my anxiety lowers a great deal when I just give up, let go, and let a tv show sweep me away for a while. Without that escape, I would’ve been so much worse off than I already am. It’s ok to let your mind rest and zone out on meaningless garbage sometimes. Ok, and necessary. ❤
most of what i watch is either mindless shit so i don’t have to think, or something amazing that i can daydream wonderful things about.