alltheavenueslookugly

i saw my doctor this morning and he increased my medication. i am now taking 300 milligrams of wellbutrin and 75 milligrams of lamictal.

i told him that i am not sleeping well at all. my ambien prescription was lowered to 5 milligrams after the fda warning came out last month. it was not enough for me. i kept taking 10 milligrams, and a few weeks ago upped my dose without my doctor’s consent. i was taking 15 milligrams, and it was helping. it’s not helping anymore. rather than up it to 20 milligrams, which is a fucking obscene dose – he scolded me for upping my dose without telling him – he is taking me off of it and we are going to try 25 milligrams of hydroxyzine. i hope it works. i need sleep so badly.

he got a urine sample from me. i told him he was still going to find trace amounts of amphetamines in there, so he shouldn’t be surprised. i should be finished with the adderall fairly soon. urine tests are always awkward for me, as i never seem to pee in the same kind of receptacle and i am never sure just how much they need. i don’t want to skimp on it, but i feel like if i give too much then it is just kind of weird. i don’t know why that is. but i guess i did okay.

i had therapy immediately afterward, and i spent the good bulk of the forty-five minutes talking about how much i hate the way i look. she asked me how long i have felt that way, and i told her it’s been since i was a kid. i remember being a kid and cringing because i could see myself getting fat. i remember going to the gym when i was 10 or 11 years old.

over the years my weight has gone way up and way down. the big problem with having such a shitty body image is that it is seriously difficult to tell when i gain weight or lose weight. i always feel fat. even years ago when i was doing cocaine and starving myself and i got down to 150 pounds. when i would look in the mirror i still saw that same fat guy staring back at me. i would never weigh myself and even with my pants falling down around my ankles, i still couldn’t see it. it reminds of that photo of the super skinny model staring at her reflection in the mirror and seeing a much heavier girl looking back at her.

i am planning on a series of posts that delve deeper into this, but i bring it up because it was one of the first times i have ever had a therapist fall asleep during a session. she was at her desk with her elbow up and her head in her hand, and i could see her eyes closing slowly. i am pretty sure she fell asleep for a minute before jerking her head up quickly. and then my session was over.

i wasn’t offended.

i actually felt like kind of an asshole, as my therapist is fairly overweight. i shouldn’t feel bad, but i still kind of do.

hope everyone is doing well.

thanks to all of you who have been checking out the story blog. i promise to start updating it more often.

❤

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/02/25.

Posted in february13
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, eating disorders, guilt, hating self, insomnia, therapy