me and february 19

when the days are good – when my mind is at a content spot and the noises and voices and sad and guilt and screaming and racing and the past are all quiet at the time –
and i am okay. i can smile without much effort and it is genuine and feels lovely.

then there are the regular days. these are days when the thoughts are two steps above sad and three steps down from suicidal and these are the days that i find to be way more difficult. these are the days that my friends and co-workers usually see. these are days that the smile can be there but I don’t recognize the imaginary persons who are having to lift each side of my mouth up in order to make that happen. years of acting have gotten me to a place where as you and i are talking about the weather my mind is beating the shit out of myself and it is all i can do to keep myself from screaming and crying in your face as i hold down a normal conversation. these are the days that the future scares me just as much as the past does. the days are a horror movie that you cannot turn off and that is unfortunately way too real.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/02/19.

2 Responses to “me and february 19”

  1. I wish I could make it better somehow. I really do.

  2. […] Lotte’s frantic lines die down and lie back behind a rising melody of everyday human interaction … but they do not go away … in fact, they at times become stronger, louder, more sinister, and then fade again, competing with the prattle of friends, family, and coworkers. We are inside the head of sean from all the avenues look ugly. As he explains in me and february 19: […]

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