alltheavenueslookugly

it is 6 in the morning and the fourth day i have been without my medication and i am hurting.

i’ve reacted to this current combination of medicines fairly well, especially for not having been on them for very long. i’ve had a couple of pretty intense situations happen in the past few weeks where i have lost two people i really care about. one of them was to cancer. the other is still living, but we just aren’t talking anymore. it sucks and it is sad and i still don’t understand it, but i’ll accept it. i’ve had to do that a lot lately.

anyway, had it not been for these medications, i don’t think i would have been able to handle it. i have been taking every dose, every day, and i haven’t been that consistent with my medicines in a long time. something was doing something, and it was starting to feel good.

and then fucking tuesday happened. it’s a long story, but basically i had a small window of time to pick up my medication and once i was there they decided to inform me i had to see my therapist before i could get my meds. i didn’t understand why, and they couldn’t explain it to me. it was just a refill, no meds were changing, i didn’t have time to see my therapist, and this was the only day i was able to come up there. i missed some work last week because of my friend’s funeral and didn’t want to miss any more. they kept just giving me the runaround, so i finally left because i had a separate doctor appointment elsewhere.

you know how they tell you never to just stop taking your medication?

there’s a goddamn reason for that.

i explained to them i had no more meds. i explained to them that i had another doctor appointment and couldn’t stay. and they just seemingly didn’t give much of a fuck. i called my therapist yesterday and told her i needed to get in and that i couldn’t go through the weekend without my medication. she called me back, sounding angry, and said i could come in today at 11. i’m getting so frustrated with these people.

i’m trying. i really am.

yesterday i was a shit-blend of emotions and they were changing by the minute. i went from anxious to sad to anxious to pleased to scared to super calm to sad to anxious to angry to imagining cutting myself again or drinking until i could stop this and stop my brain or at least slow it down.

i knew i wouldn’t sleep last night. i am so exhausted. i wish the people the people who were put in positions to help us would take it a bit more seriously some times.

it’s really hard to write at this time. it’s so hard to focus enough. i have eighty thoughts in my head right now and they are all speeding toward each other and i have been working on this post for almost thirty minutes. i write and delete. and write. and edit. and delete. and stare at the blinking cursor. punctuate. good job. i’m done.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/02/01.

Posted in february13
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, insomnia, medications, sleep, therapy