me and january 07

‘they ask me if i have suicidal thoughts. it’s hard to answer that, because there isn’t a day that the word ‘suicide’ doesn’t go through my head. it all depends on the context of my thinking, but it is always there as either an option or fantasy.’

*triggers, ya’ll! you’ve been warned.’

sometimes it’s hard to really understand how i am meant to live in this world. i wonder if it is just an extended prank or a punishment or a science project or an accident. i wonder how it is that people that feel like me are able to believe in god and accept that this is all ‘part of god’s plan’ or believe they will be okay because ‘god never gives us more than we can handle.’

people fight hard because somewhere deep down they have that hope that one day life will be beautiful and better. the fight will be worth it. there is a light at the end of the tunnel or whatever.  that’s what keeps them going.

i don’t understand what to do when that feeling is gone. i remember having that feeling when i was younger, when i was a teenager and had only been struggling with this depression for a few years. i used to think that it had to get better and i just had to be patient. but now, some twenty years later, i am much more likely to believe that this is bullshit, and the whole ‘it’ll get better’ speech is that thing you are given when someone doesn’t know what the fuck else to say. it sounds good, right?

harmless.

just repeat.

i don’t know. i think about it a lot.

i haven’t taken my lithium in two days and i am due to see my therapist later on today. i don’t want to see her. i just want to be left alone.

i have been medicated for so long. such ugly pills and so many in quantity and it’s a spoonful of disgusting and desperate.

i just want to live life as it has been given to me. i can take the pills and feel miserable about them along with the miserable hated feeling that i have for myself and my kooky brain. or i can just skip that extra dose of melancholy and just suffer like i am apparently supposed to for as long as i can tolerate it. if i do have to keep living, i just want to do it on my own terms – at least those terms that i do have control over. i have lived with this stupid perverted idea of guilt and obligation to others for my whole life. i don’t have much longer left and really need to try and find a spot in life where i can smile.

there are things that i have come to accept will most likely never happen, and that hurts. it’s not me being negative as much as it is me just being honest with myself.

i need to stop hoping for things like a romantic relationship, an eventual marriage, children, etc. it is hard, because it’s something i want so badly, but whatever, right?

what bothers me the most about this particular post is how calm i feel right now.

it’s a goddamn acceptance. it’s natural. it’s stupid and fair. and it’s so difficult to understand.

trust me though.

there is a huge difference between giving up and just being too tired to fight as hard as you used to. i still have some strength left, and i will just be thankful for that right now and try and sleep and roll my eyes at the dreams available to me…

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2013/01/07.

13 Responses to “me and january 07”

  1. Keep us updated Sean. Thinking of you x

  2. Reblogged this on Mm172001's Blog and commented:
    “there is a huge difference between giving up and just being too tired to fight as hard as you used to. i still have some strength left, and i will just be thankful for that right now and try and sleep and roll my eyes at the dreams available to me…” This resonates with me so well right now. Thanks Sean for putting into words what’s currently going on in my world.

  3. My dear sweet Sean, your words speak for many. You are in my thoughts, stay strong. x

  4. Sometimes I wonder *what* is supposed to be better and what that would look like…sometimes I wonder if my expectations are unrealistic or if my over-developed sense of achievement also drives my depression and anxiety because I can’t fulfill perceived goals. Sometimes, I get tired of wondering. I don’t know if it will get “better” – I don’t know what that might look like for you… but maybe acceptance is it? Please see your therapist regardless of not wanting to…look after yourself while you come off the meds. And have someone look out for you too…thinking of you. xo.

    • the idea of ‘normal’ or ‘better’ is so foreign to me as i cannot remember what it feels like to not feel this way. i don’t want to accept that this is how i am just meant to be, but i imagine that if i can just accept it for what it is then i can just get on with living for as long as i can. who knows?
      i did visit the therapist today, and it was actually nice. i haven’t gotten that much out of a session in a long time.
      i will be okay. coming off the meds is rough, but i’ve done it so many times. i know the ugly about it.
      please take care, and email me if you ever need to. 🙂

  5. I know that feeling. And when I’m depressed, I feel as though that is reality, the one and only–I’ve always been depressed and always will be, to not be depressed would be dishonest. At least I’ve found a mix of meds that can make things bearable. Even so, access problems and “breakthrough” depression from life shit always remind me that my chances of eventually committing suicide are high. It’s just too pervasive and the most successful methods are already researched and planned out.

    Still, part of me wonders if it’s partly a matter of perspective. If I can just train myself to hold on to the occasional bright spots and let go of the problems, and learn to genuinely love life. It’s hard to tell if people like us are capable of changing perspective so radically, especially the older we get, the longer we have endured the failures of psychiatric science, the longer we have dug ourselves into destructive habits. Anything’s possible. Theoretically.

    • i think about that as well sometimes. i think about how long i’ve lived like this, and wonder if it is possible to force my mind to shift. and the older i get the more i feel like it isn’t going to happen. i’ve spent many years trying to accept that as hard as i have tried – and i have tried – that maybe i’m just not able to do it. and if that is the case, then maybe suicide is an inevitability.

      i’ve lost all hope before. i think that is the only way i was able to seriously attempt to kill myself in the past. i hate getting to that point, and the worst part is that i never know when it is going to hit me in the face. that part i know i cannot ever control.

      i am pleased to hear that you have found a good mix of meds to make things tolerable. seriously. i hope that it keeps up and that someday all this will make sense.

      take care, man.

  6. Well I’ll tell you, I know many people who feel like you do. Some of my own family feel like they’re just going through the motions and have given up years ago. I have a brother who hasn’t seen his two sons in almost three years- his x moved away to another state and took their kids with her. He spends his days working and sleeping to pay child support for kids he never gets to see. He’s beyond sad- it pains me that he’s an empty shell of who he used to be. He considered suicide for years- and had it not been for me- he probably wouldn’t be here still. Believe me, I do understand how you feel- and I have the experience and history to back it up..heheh..

    I’ll spare you the semi- sweet “some day” promise-dreams of a life you may or may never have; look at it like this: your walk has not been easy. It may never “get easy”. But don’t believe the lies that you are purposeless, good for nothing, wasted space- etc. etc. You absolutely have value- you may not see it- but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. We can’t always see the blueprint, you know?

    If you are completely hopeless, the world seems black and ugly. Everything seems to lie- it all hurts. I know exactly what’s that like. But listen, with hope- and by hope, I mean “the belief that love and possibility exist- even if it’s the size of a flea” – the world is bearable, and to be in it is bearable.

    I want to talk to you about my own medicinal regimen that has helped me in a HUGE way- but not in a message. (Email) It’s somewhat controversial but it’s helped me beyond words. (I haven’t seen a therapist or taken medication in years, thanks to it- and feel great.) It might help you too. I don’t share it with many people, but I feel your pain and know what it’s like. Hit me up at rushingthunder@yahoo.com if you like. I’ll be there. 🙂

  7. I don’t think there is a such thing as ‘normal’. I think we have to start looking at things as ‘normal for me’ because the variables are all over the place. I know what it is like to lose that light of hope that keeps one going, fortunately, I regained that hope. As well as the desire o fight through it. I hope this for you too. Please keep us updated.

    • i absolutely will.

      and you are right about creating our own definition of ‘normal.’ even among those who share the same mental illness disorders, there is still all those differences that occur. mine isn’t a more or less normal version than anybody else’s, in my opinion.

      i have that small shred of hope and the desire to keep fighting. as long as i have even a little bit of it, i will continue to do so. i promise. 🙂

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