alltheavenueslookugly

dear ******,

i try my hardest to be a positive person. i promise you this. i am embrace many different forms of humor, and i love jokes. even those cheesy ones that you will hear a six-year-old tell. all day i watch people smile with absolutely no effort – though i do recognize sometimes those that are forcing it with a slight grimace that you can only really see if you are looking for it – and i want so badly to be able to do that. i know it is inside me somewhere. and sometimes i meet people who are able to bring that out of me. it’s such a huge thing for me, and one that i want so desperately to tell them they are capable of…but i can’t. i mean, i do, but i downplay it so hard. it’s that kind of honesty that can push people away if i’m not careful. maybe i come off as super needy, or obsessive, or just nuts. maybe they feel some sort of obligation to me now. maybe they just don’t understand how special it is, and how much it means to me.

but they don’t owe me anything.

really.

but it’s not every day you can meet that person.

i hadn’t been to the movies by myself in quite a while, and so last night i went and checked out silver linings playbook. for those who haven’t seen it, i won’t spoil anything, but it is the story of a man with bipolar disorder and how he tries to get his life back on track after being released from a psychiatric hospital. when it comes to movies that concentrate hard on mental illness, i’m skeptical. there are some films i have really dug, and others i could do without seeing again.

but i loved this movie.

i really tried to pay attention to the audience reactions as well. most of the people in the theatre with me were couples who were much older than i was, and quite a bit more conservative looking. during the first hour or so, i would hear them whispering to each other about what a crazy guy the main character was, or how they would never let their kid get away with things like that (referring to things he did during what looked like his manic spells.) it was getting annoying, and i tried to just ignore it. however, toward the middle of the  film, it seemed like they had changed their tune.

for me, the movie was a lot more personal. they were addressing feelings that i have been wrestling with for the past few weeks. i was seeing myself in both the male and female characters. i was tearing up when i saw a man who was so determined to be positive being kicked down repeatedly by his illness. i was reminded of what it feels like to connect with another person so intensely that even calling it ‘love’ doesn’t seem to adequately capture it. i was given another glimpse at what it looks like to other people – friends and strangers – when they see somebody with an illness who is struggling so hard and they have zero fucking clue what they can do to help. overall though, it’s a positive film.  that’s exactly what i loved. i want that positivity. i want that healthier lifestyle and healthy relationship with another person and it seems like the harder i try for any of it, the more my head denies it.

here’s the trailer.

it’s a funny thing, being in constant battle with your brain.

actually, there is nothing funny about it. it’s a shit-storm heavy difficult never-ending battle.

for me, i see it more like a battle between my heart and my mind. my heart is wonderful and my mind is a manipulative piece of shit.

the fact that i still have a heart and there are still pieces of it that i can reach out and grab and feel and admire is what keeps me going. it is how i am able to maintain even the relationships i have. there are people i love so much.

and hopefully they all know it.

no matter how fucked up and ruined my mind becomes i will always be grateful that i was able to care about others so deeply.

sleep happy tonight,

sean

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/12/22.

Posted in december02
Tags: bipolar disorder, depression, happiness, hating self, love, psychiatric hospital, therapy