me and december 19

i am more than willing right now to open my brain doors for the entire world to see and you can either point and laugh or cry and peek through your fingers that are covered in snot and tears and your long eyelashes tickle them as they hide the sorrow.

have taken my pre-sleep midnight meal: 300 mg of lithium and 15 mg of ambien.

 

i wrote poems in my mind today that i taped to the photos of her in my head that decorate the hallways and so when i am stumbling down them at night in the dark i am able to know her smile is surrounding me and i reach for her nose and her eyes and i kiss her faces and sometimes i write graffiti messages on her neck and arms telling her that she is changing me and right now i stand on the edge and try to remember a plunge that deep in my life.

i cannot come up with anything so i create a playlist on my computer of exactly three songs. this is just fucking insane.

*potential blog entry idea – make a list of 23 songs to be played at your funeral, or memorial service, or at the bar afterward, or keep them for that one person who always loved you so differently from everybody else and that will undoubtedly bury themselves under giant covers while they smoke cloves and cry while they listen to this cd that you were the complete –

and here again. my eyelids close and then leap to the air, and every time i look at my family…

PASS OUT.

i only wrestle with dreams when i can’t tell when they became nightmares.

nightmares have their good days and bad. just like me. just like you.

i’m just disconnecting in my head from everyone. i’m either running away or being pushed away so much lately.

i’ve gained weight and i look fucking disgusting and wish i didn’t hate myself so much to not do anything about it.

this all makes me incredibly sad. i don’t know what to do.

my therapist is out and won’t be back until early january.  i have lithium aftertaste on my lips and my stomach is raw and always in pain.

this is bullshit. this isn’t a life. i wish i could convince you of this.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/12/19.

9 Responses to “me and december 19”

  1. It all sounds so horrible, I wish this wasn’t happening to you, you don’t deserve it. I can’t offer any advice, but I know this time of year is really hard for many people (me included), especially with your therapist away. Maybe keep writing, keep letting it out – and know there are many people who care about you here, and aren’t about to run away.
    Be gentle, you are in my thoughts, Elyn

    • thank you so much. i don’t know really want to say. it just hurts pretty bad right now, and i feel so fucking alone.
      i will keep writing tho – and maybe this will all make sense someday.
      please take care of yourself as well.

  2. If I knew how to, I would give you pieces of myself in hopes that my good feelings would transfer to you. I know it is just lip service because I can’t but know I would. Keep writing my friend… keep trying. ♥

  3. You may think you’re a chicken shit and a coward and nothing, but I think you are incredibly brave and strong. You keep going and that says a lot. You also bare your soul like this and let others in to your head and your heart. VERY few people I know do that….you and maybe my children. I wish I could be more like that. Your writing is having an effect on people. It’s helping you and helping others. Virtual HUG right now, squeezing super tight. Virtual shooshing. Virtual rocking. Virtual wiping a sweaty brow until you fall asleep.

    • thank you, nikki. most days i feel way past that self-loathing – or at least have it under control – but these past few months have done wonders to my self-esteem and hope (not in a good way.)
      but after seeing that movie last night, i was able to identify a lot with different characters and managed to recognize a few of the things that i might be able to work on to help myself out a little. now, if only i can keep that going.

      and wow, that was the best virtual hug ever! 🙂

  4. I believe you. I’m SO sorry Sean. It pains me to see you suffering so much. Please reach out for any help you can get and keep yourself safe.

    Sending you lots of strength and best wishes, amongst the nightmare you are going through. Xx

    • i promise you that i will do my best.
      it hurts me just as much to know how you are struggling too.
      please keep writing and inspiring me and others. this is the only way we will make it out of all this nonsense.
      take care, my friend. gigantic texas hugs are being sent your way. 🙂

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