me and december 05
first off, i want to thank those who nominated the blog for the TWIM awards. it is a wonderful feeling to know people are enjoying what i am doing enough to take the time to do that. i am so happy to see the quiet borderline get nominated for her painfully honest account of her life and struggles. if you haven’t visited her blog, please do so. it is amazing.
it means a lot, you guys. thank you again.
in other news…
saw new doctor on monday morning. he is much better than the last one – as new doc knows how to smile and laugh and sneeze into tissues and while his typing style is still a little irksome, i can live with that.
i told him i cannot stand the sexual side-effects of the medication any longer and he agreed to let me taper off of the effexor slowly over the next two weeks. while i am very happy to be doing this, i am also super nervous. the last time i was trying to get off effexor, back in 2003 or 2004 i had a seizure and broke my head open on the floor when i landed.
i just want this shit out of my body.
my lithium dose stays the same. 600mg in the morning and also at night.
i am still not sleeping well so the doctor wants me to start taking my ambien like usual and then if i wake up i am supposed to take a trazadone to help knock me back out. i’ve been on trazadone before and stopped taking it because while it did help me sleep it also left me feeling like a corpse that was just being politely pushed through the day. i hate that intense grogginess that just sticks around. but i told him i would try. i’ll try taking a smaller dose and see how well i handle it.
no suicide dreams. no self hurt. no visions or voices but small hallucinations at times that just remind me that the world is still scary. still going to the thursday evening support group, and i still find it to be incredibly helpful. on some nights i just need to be around like-minded people for a couple of hours. folks who know how shitty it feels to feel as shitty as we are capable of feeling.
the past couple of weeks have been a mix of emotions that are requiring me to step out of an uncomfortable comfort and take a few chances. it’s something i am not used to doing – as it is always easier for me to sit back and watch the world go by while i sit and punish myself for being such a chicken-shit. but not this time. this time i am actually doing something about it. and that makes me a little bit proud of myself.
we shall see how it goes, but for right now, it is completely awesome.
and yes, cryptic.
i’ve turned the ceiling fan on in my room and it is cold and hopefully sleep will come and stay with me for the evening.
take care, everyone.
alltheavenueslookugly 
Thank you for your such kind words about my blog 😉 you are kind.
Things are sounding quite positive for you. I’m ever so happy to hear. Keep on going Sean x
any time, my friend. i am so horrible at commenting on other blogs so i do try to let people know i am still reading. 🙂
things are steady right now, but that is usually when i am at my most guarded. as much as i crave some stability, it is scary. just trying not to fuck up too bad.
hugs to you.
Stepping out of an uncomfortable comfort is difficult to say the least, as most all of us know well. Congrats to your cryptic awesome!
it really is. to me it is knowing something is going to happen a certain way and hoping that maybe at the last minute it will change and become something great and shatter whatever preconceived notion you had before. rarely does it work out that way, but when it does, it can be incredible. that is what i am hoping for now. 🙂