me and november 29

it is old timey music – pop hits with soul and haunting tones and sad sad lyrics of loss all disguised with smiles and bubblegum bullshit –

this is what I hear as i lie there staring at the ceiling and watching the darkness that never changes color.

sometimes i am just a shell. i am empty and defeated and confused and scared for a future that resembles this present a little too closely and if that is my fate then surely it is best to end it now and save myself from years of same old torture and shame.

but I do have my days. days when i am quiet and mostly undisturbed and i feel that love and urge to keep going because when you have been unhappy for so long that you don’t remember what happiness – even as a small child – feels like, experiencing that small taste of it is greater than any feeling in the world. it is greater than beautiful smiles and body-shattering orgasms and watching kittens play with yarn and video games and chocolate milk and anything else you could imagine.

i wonder if people who are for the most part are happy are ever able to feel the kind of happiness that i am so rarely capable of feeling. maybe they cannot or they do and take it for granted.

i never do. it is always so fleeting and one day i will discover a way to either bottle it up and share it with all of you or snort it like a cocaine substitute and fly fly fly for days and years and never come back down. just let go.

if it happens i promise to send postcards to you guys and then maybe we can all have something to believe in.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/11/29.

9 Responses to “me and november 29”

  1. It made me so glad to read that you experience this at all, even if it is rare. I suspect mostly happy people can’t grasp how valuable such little moments are, but I agree that they’re the best.

    As someone with either bipolar or schizoaffective disorder, I have very, very rare experiences of (hypo)mania and it’s incredible. But it’s dangerous, and even if it weren’t, it’s still very different from the fleeting moments of pure contentment that you’re talking about here.

    If only we could all be more familiar with those *sigh*

    Hugs for you Sean 🙂

    Take care

    Karen ❤ xxx

    • thank you, karen. 🙂

      i definitely have my hypomanic episodes and it is nice to be able to tell the difference between those and the true content feelings. maybe it is because my hypo’s are so similar to how i felt when i used to do cocaine.

      one positive thing that i try to take from this is my ability to feel harder than most people can. i love harder, i empathize harder, etc. unfortunately that also comes with the other side. when i hurt, i hurt fucking bad.

      i hope you are well, my friend. so many hundreds of hugs i am sending to you as well. take care. 🙂

  2. Keep on fighting Sean. Thinking of you x

  3. I loved this post. So true!

  4. Reblogged this on Mm172001's Blog and commented:
    Perfectly captures two of the benefits of having such dark days. #1 Appreciating the good days so much more and the realization most people don’t have. and #2 Wanting so bad to be able to “bottle it” or share with your fellow sufferers.

  5. most people don’t understand the indigo blues (that’s what I call it)
    it’s the sadness that feels like there is a hole in your chest.

    my dark days come and go.
    music helps…well music, cleaning, baking, gardening and my cat, phuzi…
    baking makes me feel like i’m creating happiness for someone else.
    i love watching my plants grow. it makes me feel life, if that makes any sense.
    phuzi makes me feel better, always. even on my worst days, he gives me a reason to get out of bed. he’s the kind of cat that you can hold and cry and he doesn’t mind or struggle.

    if any of us tried to explain the darkness that consumes every inch of us to a “happy person” they ‘d never understand. It would be easier to get a dog to play bach on a piano.

    if you do try to make them understand, they try to empathize ‘oh I know what you’re going though. don’t worry all you have to do is “X” and you’ll feel better. it worked for me.’ or they try to sympathize which is sometimes even WORSE. i’m not saying that the darkness never finds them, it finds us all at some point or another…just matter how long it stays…

    i think though a lot of those people who you think are happy all the time are only wearing masks. finely crafted so the world can only see them as happy and maybe some of them really believe they are happy and maybe there really are happy people out there but some of those people that wear the masks of happiness are the ones who cry when they are in the shower or the car where they know no one will hear them…

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