me and september 10

three and a half hours of sleep last night/this morning.

doctor visit at 8:30 a.m.

we discussed my resistance to medications. he said i have been on just about everything possible, and either it does nothing or it does terrible things to me. he said he has been thinking about it and has come up with two game plans. game plan number one is the preferred one, but worst case scenario will take us to game plan number two.

game plan number one: i stay on the viibyrd for another couple of months, and in the meantime i will take the saphris at night along with cogentin. when i took saphris before, i experienced a horrible case of akathisia – out of all the side effects of these medications i find akathisia to be the most intolerable one of them all. it’s fucking shitty. you lie down to sleep and your body pretty much forces you to get up and walk around and then with no warning your body decides it needs to lie back down. so you do. and then within minutes, you need to get back up again. when you are lying down, it feels like a severe tremor inside your legs – so much so that you just want to kick them yourself to keep them from moving involuntarily. so, yeah. fuck akathisia. hopefully the cogentin will keep that from happening. if i start to notice a change in my moods – if the depression lifts or i find my manic episodes becoming less severe, then we will probably stay with this. if not, we go to game plan number two.
game plan number two: it’s always a bit frightening when my doctor changes his tone into the ‘okay, i’m not fucking around. listen up, because it is super important that you understand this,’ kind of speak. i don’t get it that often, but i did today. game plan number two involves clozapine. it is an older medication, and one that seems to be useful with people who are medication resistant like myself. however, there are some incredible downsides to it, which is why he only wants to go here as a last resort kind of thing. if you click on the link you can check it out, but reading the side effects of this medication is just fucking sad. the way he spoke about it, and then the way he had his office manager speak to me more about it after our appointment, you would have thought he was fucking prescribing me a variety of illegal street drugs. there is a whole process for getting on this medicine. first, i would need to have a blood test to see where my CBC is at – the pharmacy will not even fill the prescription without a copy of my blood work. then, for six months i would have to get my blood drawn weekly to make sure my white blood cells aren’t getting too low. if they don’t after six months, then i can go to every other week. now, i am used to having lots of blood drawn – thanks, lithium – but fuck me, not that often. there is a whole host of potential problems with this medicine – enough that i can’t even begin to imagine what i might feel like on it.

so, that’s where i am at.

christ, i think i would rather just go straight to electroshock.

for all of you reading who have been able to find a good combination of medications to help you live your life, be very very grateful for that. seriously.



~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/09/10.

8 Responses to “me and september 10”

  1. I am always glad to find a post from you. I think about you often and hope that you are okay. I am sorry to read that you are having such difficulty with your meds. I do hope that can be resolved in some way. Stay strong and know there are those out here that care. x

  2. Been on Clozapine and through ECT. The blood tests sucked, but I had no other side effects. Not sure either worked, but then again I am alive and somewhat stable and not psychotic (at least at the moment and we all know how that can change quickly.) Although not on clozapine now and last ECT was somewhere in my early to mid 20’s.
    You seem strong, even when you may think you’re not, you keep trying and hopefully eventually you find something that helps relieve the pain.

    • that’s actually really nice to hear. i think it was the fact that they seemed so serious today kind of freaked me out about the possibility of being on that medicine. i’m glad to hear you are doing okay – at least for the moment – and yes, i certainly do know how easily that can change. i cherish every second that i don’t feel shitty. it doesn’t come too often, so i hold onto it for as long as i can.

  3. I spoke in group therapy the other day for the first time (more than a few words) and vented about meds. Said that I’ve been waiting for 2 1/2 years to find something to help with depression and anxiety and still looking. And putting my trust in my doctors that we will find something but it’s still an ongoing saga.

    You’re right about people that have been lucky enough to find them meds to help them. They should be thankful.

    BTW, I took Clozapine for about a year and they never did blood work for it! Maybe it’s because you’d be taking a higher dosage as to why you need the blood work. I was taking just 80mg of it at bedtime to help me sleep. But my body got used to it and it stopped working. Not to say that the same will happen to you too.

    Wishing you well as always Sean! Good luck.


    • congrats on opening up in group! that’s a hard thing to do. well, the first time is always the hardest. i think you’ll find that the more you do it, the easier it is. well done!
      yeah, i’m not sure why i would need the blood work, but they were very specific and serious about it. we are still a couple of months away from that (hopefully longer) so i’m trying not to stress on it too hard.
      i really hope you find something soon. it can be a trying time, but try not to lose hope. you never know when you might find something.
      take care, my friend.

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