me and september 06

tonight was my second group meeting.

it’s strange to hear people speak about how happy they used to be in their lives, how they remember a time before their mental illness became such a problem. i hear it from people in their twenties, and from people in their sixties.

it makes me kind of sad that i don’t remember that. i don’t remember a time in my life before the depression, the cutting, the suicide scares, the shame and guilt and worry and disgust and bruised heart. that time is a different person and a different life.

maybe if i could remember that time it would make dealing with this much more difficult. i don’t know.

but i am glad i went. i’d like to keep going. it’s nice to feel comfortable around people for an hour and a half. people who i know aren’t going to silently judge me or not believe me, or at least understand how difficult it can be to live with this.

i definitely believe that doing this blog has allowed me to speak more openly about it with people. it’s one thing to sit and type this out and put it on display for everyone to read as i hide behind a computer, but another thing entirely to sit in front of a group and talk about these things and watch as some of them nod or tear up or just smile because they understand. i’m glad i can talk. i’m glad they are there to listen.

i’m still unsure about this medication. the side effects definitely aren’t as bad as some i have experienced with other meds, but christ…it charges me up. i try and take it in the morning with breakfast, so i get a rush around noon or one p.m. that can last for anywhere from an hour to three or four hours. in that time i am either crazy or so completely normal. i am wired and so focused but i smoke constantly and feel like there are ants on my brain, however they are intelligent and i don’t mind them too much. i credit them forย  it’s not making me feel shittier or much sicker so i’ll stay with it until monday at least and see what the doctor says.

other than that, my sleep has not improved much and i find myself waking constantly and my nightmares are sometimes so unbearable. but i am having some pleasant dreams or at least bizarre ones that would probably make me laugh if i could remember them when i woke.

have a good night, everybody.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/09/06.

8 Responses to “me and september 06”

  1. Glad the meeting went well. Sorry for the bad dreams I can relate. And I have pleasant and funny bizarre ones too. ๐Ÿ™‚ Nice post I feel like a fly on the wall!

  2. Sweet dreams. And if you can start remembering the good ones, I really can’t wait to read about them.

  3. Glad you’re having an okay time. Groups make me uncomfortable and while I can relate I get afraid to speak and usually only do when called on.

    • i’m usually very shy when i speak in public, especially at meetings like this. when i used to go to a.a. i could barely speak without shaking and stuttering. surprisingly, i am a lot more comfortable in this group. probably because it is smaller and the people are really nice.

  4. Nice to hear from you.

    Well done for plucking up the courage to go to these group meetings. They definitely sound calming being around other people that are going through difficult times too.

    I hope you can get the meds sorted. Annoying things. Sometimes I lose all of my faith in them! But continue on and I’m sure you’ll be OK Sean. You’re strong and determined to fight this. More than you realise.

    Feel good. Sending you positive vibes ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • thank you, QB.

      yes, the meds are such a problem. it’s been so many years trying to find something that can work. hopefully we will find something soon. it’s very trying on my mind and body.

      i’m sending just as many positive vibes your way, friend. ๐Ÿ™‚

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