me and july 10

it’s been a while…

i know.

i’ve appreciated the concerned messages, and in all honesty, i’ve been super busy for the past few weeks, and on the days that i actually had time to write…i just felt too shitty. but i am still here. still alive. still trapped.

things haven’t really changed much. i just (yesterday) started the medication i was supposed to start last time i posted. we’ll see.

my moods have been awful.

that hopeless feeling – the one that comes in waves and consumes me and leaves me stuck in my room for hours not wanting to speak to anybody…

that has become my shadow.

my self-doubt, my sadness, my fear – these are all things that i am completely aware of. i’m aware of how they affect my life. how they hold me back from things i want or need to do. and i’m aware that i can do nothing to make them better.

i am an irritable and shitty mess.

i’m nervous, because i’ve had to hold it together for so long. i’ve had to wear this disguise.

it’s only a matter of time before it all goes away.

i hope everyone is doing well.

i hope the sun is brighter for you.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/07/10.

Posted in july

13 Responses to “me and july 10”

I was only thinking of you today, wondering where you were. Sounds like hard times. I hope the meds work, more waiting I guess.
P.S. ‘i hope the sun is brighter’ . . . you mean there’s still a sun in the sky?!

artyelf said this on 2012/07/10 at 5:30 am | Reply
PPS. Take care, my friend ♡

artyelf said this on 2012/07/10 at 5:30 am | Reply
yes, just a waiting game. and from what i hear, there are still people who see the sun. 🙂

take care.

alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2012/07/10 at 6:11 am | Reply
I’m glad you realize that things will change. Almost always, I get stuck on the whispers that “It has always been this way, and it always will be …”

jeffreylbabbitt said this on 2012/07/10 at 6:30 am | Reply
- oh, i hear those whispers too…
  change for the better would be amazing – unfortunately, i don’t see that happening.
  it’s more become a game of chicken, and if i can outlast the illness.
  
  take care, man. 🙂
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2012/07/10 at 6:40 am | Reply
I have missed your posts, I have missed you..I do hope the new med makes life a bit easier..you are in my thoughts.

stuff I said said this on 2012/07/10 at 7:17 am | Reply
- thank you so much. that’s very nice to hear.
  hopefully now that things have settled down a bit i can get back into posting more.
  
  hugs.
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2012/07/10 at 7:20 am | Reply
Was happy to see you on here today. Your absence was felt. Glad you were up to writing some more. Keep going friend.

Nikki said this on 2012/07/10 at 8:33 am | Reply
- thank you, nikki. 🙂
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2012/07/10 at 9:15 am | Reply
I, too, am glad you are back (a certain fear sets in, you know, when you don’t hear from someone for a while). The sun, like the earth and moon, is always there; we are just kept blind to it by our deceitful minds.

Satis said this on 2012/07/10 at 10:10 am | Reply
- i know that fear you speak of, especially when it comes to us depressed folk. thanks for hanging in there with me.
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2012/07/10 at 5:18 pm | Reply
I hope the sun is brighter for you Sean.

As I always say, you don’t deserve this suffering one bit. You deserve only the best.

Please reach out for any help you can get.

I’m thinking about you x

The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital) said this on 2012/07/11 at 9:40 am | Reply
- you are in my thoughts too, friend.
  none of us deserve this suffering, but unfortunately it’s there, and all we can do is try and make it through each day.
  having those who care and are willing to listen certainly does help some.
  
  take care of yourself. hugs. 🙂
  
  alltheavenueslookugly said this on 2012/07/12 at 7:38 am | Reply