me and may 21

5 a.m. wake up call from the inside and swatting away dreams that were both lovely and awful and beautiful and tragic and i am a stumbler as i look for toilet and toothbrush and you were on my mind and writing. writing! been going since around 8 a.m aside from a couple of short breaks and editing books for re-publishing soon and reading my journals from almost ten years ago when i was on the edge of life and certain passages i remember being so close to death and wanting it so badly.

work during the day – hospital duties – to come home, drink 10 beers and take three ambien because why the fuck not? i tripped wild on those evenings when every evening was a ‘if i wake up in the morning it’s a fucking miracle – but not one of those jesus ones’ ya know?

the subject never changes.

this is my life.

this is what i am meant to say.

i want to say it all. everything i can. get it out there. and when that is done, i am more than happy to leave and not overstay my welcome.

those good things come and go. good people come and go.

(pssst, there is a goddamn fly/gnat/bird-beast that is sexually attracted to my computer screen. i can’t help but watch in fascination and wonder what the babies will look like)

i say, ‘worry if you feel it is necessary.’ but not about me. it’s better spent on others.

no brain to see here. nothing but a discarded bullshit shameful skull that is empty of anything obvious.

i’ll keep writing today. 59 pages at this point.

i’m racing against time. time time. time. time.

marlboros meds chocolate milk and masturbation and if you plan it right, you might make your own tiny tiny universe explode.

 

think.

the last kisses are the most honest.

the last breaths are the most painful.

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/05/21.

9 Responses to “me and may 21”

  1. what wonderful writing you have

  2. Wow. Yeah. All of it. Although there is no such thing as arousal for me in these states…hugs, my dear.

  3. SO powerful. Great writing. It really touches my heart.

  4. 10 beers and 3 ambien… HOLY SHIZ. One ambien would have me hallucinating if I stayed awake. LOL… and then not remember anything. Loved reading my journals and looking through my texts/call log the morning after ambien. Highly entertaining. 🙂

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